Today.

 

As I sit here and write this post, I wish I could tell you that everything worked out in the end. I wish that I could say I’m successful, happy and enjoying life. Don’t get me wrong, in a sense I am doing/feeling all of those things but just not exactly how and when I thought I’d be.

I often ask myself, am I still the same person I was? Or am I different and if so, in a good or bad way? I see the person I am and I’m not entirely sure I like her. I try to make a conscious effort of who I want to be but I always see the true me come out, but if that’s who I am, why should I change? I’m loud, outgoing, moody, funny, childish, silly, helpful, honest, trustworthy, caring and much more and sometimes I wonder if I want to change for me, or change for the people around me and until I make the right decision I can’t and won’t change.

On the most part, I like who I am. My parents raised me to be a good person and I think I am only questioning myself now because of this crossroads I find myself at. I look around at the people in my life and wonder if they think or feel the same as me. Are they happy? On the outside most of them look like they have everything under control, they have their lives set up and are going in the direction they want to be going. Have they always been like this? Who knows. Some of them may have already gone through this, and some of them are yet to go through it and maybe won’t go through it at all.

There is no right or wrong in this situation and I have no control over whats going to happen later on down the track. What I do have control over is how I react to it all. I have control over my mind and thought process and how positive or negative I want to be. I know I will still have my down days as everyone does, but it’s how I use my mind to change it. It’s taken me a very long time to understand this. A positive mind can honestly change your life however, I also know how hard it is to remain positive when things don’t always go right, or, the way you had planned. I have and still am training my mind to see the positive in every negative, it’s not something you can just switch on over night, it’s something that takes a lot of practice.

The career path I have chosen no longer keeps me driven. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE photography and always will but I feel like when I’m in between jobs I don’t even want to look at my camera and I have a habit of leaving it there to collect dust. I hate that. This was something that I was so passionate about and I loved doing, however, I now feel that spark I once felt is no longer there. I still want to be successful like everyone does, but I want to create my own success. So many people I know are in jobs they don’t like, or don’t enjoy and I don’t want to be that person. For so many years I was in the same routine when I worked in finance and it wasn’t until I got out of that routine that I realised there is so much more in a career than just doing the same thing every day. Don’t get me wrong, a lot of people I know also love their routines and love their jobs, but what one person enjoys, someone else may not.

Some days are still a struggle for me and some days are amazing. I have, however, learnt than when I am happy to old on tight to that feeling because any time now it will all change. Something will happen and it will all come crashing down around me – It’s called Cherophobia and its the fear of being happy because something bad will soon happen. I love being happy and laughing until my belly hurts is my favourite thing to do in the world but sometimes I stop myself from feeling like this, because I know that at any moment something will happen to bring it all down.

Sometimes I wish I could wake up and this will all be over, but at the same time, I don’t want to wish my life away. I truly believe this is something I was supposed to go through to make me understand something in life, what that something is however, I am still trying to figure out. I know one day I will wake up and look back at this time and be so grateful for everything that happened.

I used to wish I was in someone else’s position and had everything they have but looking back at that now makes me thank God that I am where I am. My mum recently said to me “You are exactly where you are supposed to be right now” and I felt that if she believed that for me, then I should too. And I do. I really believe that everything happens for a reason and you may not know what that reason is then and there but one day you will. I still don’t know what the reason for us breaking up is, or me not creating a bigger and better photography business, but, I believe I will one day know.

I wish I knew the future ahead wasn’t going to be a bumpy ride, but hey, that’s all part of the fun. I mean, wouldn’t life be a little boring if there weren’t any hiccups along the way, so bland to just glide through life and have everything handed to you. No thank you. I want to work hard and be able to look back and really appreciate today, the way I was feeling and thinking and always wondering where I would end up.

Life isn’t meant to be easy, and I am only just starting to understand that now. You must have courage and it doesn’t mean that you don’t feel afraid of creating the ‘perfect’ life, it just means that you shouldn’t let fear stop you from creating it. It’s so cliché to say things like “Life is too short” “Life is what you make it” “Get out there and live your life” because everyone’s life is so different, and what is a fun successful way of life to one person may not be to the next person.

I know I still have a long way to go, but little by little, step by step, it happens. I don’t want to change the world, I want to change MY world. I want to be able to wake up one day and say “I. Made. It.” I told myself 2016 was going to be my year, where I change my life for the better, but it was so much harder than I thought, that doesn’t mean that it was a total write off, it just means that I have to make 2017 even better.

I am so thankful for my parents they have shown me nothing but support and love and as a child you honestly couldn’t ask for anything more. They are the most amazing parents I could have ever asked for and without them I don’t know where I’d be today. My brothers who are always there for a good laugh and I know have my back no matter what. And, my beautiful friends. I am thankful for him, without him, I wouldn’t be here right now. I wouldn’t have the opportunity to tell my story to let people know that they aren’t alone, and that you will get through it. Yes, he made me feel heart ache, anger, sorrow, hurt and so much more, but he also made me feel love, happiness, gratitude, appreciation, respect, hopeful, passion and indirectly was able to teach me so much about myself.

I still have a long way to go, and this blog isn’t over, it’s just the end of the chapter and this has been my journey up until now and I think I am starting to be at peace with it and I will ‘Always Believe That Something Wonderful Is About To Happen’

Love Always, Me. xx

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It Was All For Me.

I always park in the drive way at my friend’s house, however, this time I thought I’d park out on the street, just to be different. As I had to turn around, I drove up a little further and did a U-turn in the cup de sac a few meters down from her house. I saw a car that looked really familiar, but couldn’t exactly remember the number plate so didn’t think anything of it. As I was doing the U-turn I saw another car that I thought belonged to another friend of mine, but again, not thinking anything of it as I just wanted to get inside and go to dinner.

I walked up the driveway and unlocked the gate, I remember hearing voices around the back but was so concerned with giving my friend a bunch of bridal magazines and looking at how overdressed I was compared to her I panicked and didn’t take any note of what I heard. I sat down and we had the quick “Hello, how are you” conversation. She seemed odd, but I quickly brushed it off telling her “I’m way over dressed” she told me I was being silly.

There were those voices again, I asked her who was here “He’s just got some clients over”. This led me to believe that we’ll be late for dinner and I haaaaate being late anywhere. Her fiancé came down the driveway, all frazzled and stressed. I asked what was wrong he replied “nothing, do you like what I’ve done with the drive way” “Yeah, looks good” I replied, not really taking in what had changed. He told me to go with him and he’ll show me what he’s done out the back. I asked if everything was okay, “Of course” he replied with a giant awkward smile on his face.

Walking down the driveway all I could imagine was seeing a few of his clients and some dogs running around (he’s dog carer and trainer) but… I was completely blown away with a massive SURPRIIIIIIIISE!!!

There were balloons, streamers, party poppers, candles, food, friends and my beautiful parents. I was in complete shock! I tried to turn and run, not sure where I was going to run to but I didn’t know what else to do. I was pulled back in by my friend and just hugged her tightly. I couldn’t speak, I didn’t know what to say or who to talk to, I just stood back for a moment and took it all in.

I hugged my parents and asked them why there were here (very politely of course) as earlier that day they had told me they had a family friends birthday dinner to attend. Mum said they were still going “but there was no way we would have missed this”. My friend was also there, the one who was busy when I initially tried to organise something, I hugged her and we laughed at how upset I was when she told me she was ‘busy’. She had a cheeky grin on her face that only a best friend could understand.

After going around, saying hi and hugging everyone I eventually calmed down and stopped shaking from all the adrenaline running through my body. The place looked beautiful and was so warm and inviting, there were candles set up around the place, lovely warm heaters (I’m a winter baby) the table was beautifully set with cheeses, crackers and heaps of appetizers, there was a wall of floating photos of me with friends and family that they had all sent. My beautiful friend was there with her partner and their gorgeous twins whom I was so surprised to see. There were giant balloons spelling out my name along another wall. It was honestly magical.

Earlier that day, I was with a friend of mine and asked if she wanted to tag along to dinner seeing it was her Birthday only three days before mine, she declined and said she already had plans, I spent all day with her and not one hint was dropped, even when she saw my mum earlier, they didn’t give anything away. Nothing! I’m usually quite a suspicious person and pick up on people’s behaviours, but this time, I have to admit, everyone did really well to keep it from me!

Once I had settled down, taken everything in had a good laugh and cry with everyone my parents had to leave, I still couldn’t believe they were there and I couldn’t believe this was all for me. Not long after they left, we all sat down and ate some amazing food. As I sat there eating I looked around the table, I knew these people meant so much to me, but, I don’t think I realised how much I meant to them. For everyone to be there who was there to celebrate with me, meant more to me than anything in the world at that moment.

Not long after dinner the real party started, we got the drinks flowing and got the music pumping, it was all amazing. If I could have changed one thing, It would have been for him to be there BUT that wasn’t going to stop me from having an amazing time and after all, for that night, it wasn’t about him.

I’m a big kid at heart and love being silly, after all, life shouldn’t be taken too seriously. I suggested a game of musical chairs, initially everyone’s reaction told me that they didn’t want to play, but all the girls politely stood up and we started a game, soon enough the boys came over and joined in. I felt like I was turning 8, not 28. Once everyone got into it, I could see the expressions on their faces, they were actually having a good time and enjoyed being a kid again. We also played Chinese Whispers and a few other silly games. I remember standing around playing the games and saying to myself, remember how happy you are feeling right now. No one and nothing can take that away from you.

I can honestly say, this was the happiest I have been in over a year and I loved every second of that feeling. The gratitude I felt towards my friend and her fiancé for putting on such an amazing night will never leave me and I don’t think I would ever be able to repay them for what they did. I felt so humbled by the whole thing and for everyone and anyone who helped out or showed up.

I went home that night with this unbelievable feeling that is hard to write down on paper. I just needed everyone to know how much they meant to me and how much I appreciated every little detail that went into the evening.

I woke up the next morning (my actual birthday) with not only a smile, but a little headache, it quickly disappeared though because nothing was going to ruin an already amazing weekend. I celebrated with a family BBQ and loved every second of it.

I went to bed that Sunday night feeling loved and appreciated by everyone I knew. I was ready to make this year of my life… My Year.

It was where I belonged.

Over the next few meetings with my psychologist we dove deeper into me being me and why I am the person I am. I began to feel like I had never thought so much about life and what it all means like I had over the past 12 months. I was spending an abundance amount of time on my own that my brain was literally on over drive with every possible thought and every single memory of the past 10 years questioning myself, my beliefs, values and importance.

I remember my anxiety and depression getting worse and worse. I was good at hiding it most of the time, but sometimes I didn’t want to face the outside world. I didn’t want to talk to family or friends and I would bottle everything up and keep to myself. I tried to make every day a new beginning and start fresh, but something would happen or a thought would pop into my head and it would take me straight back down again.

I remember talking to my psychologist and asking why I wasn’t moving on as quick as I thought I should be. She said “look, it won’t happen over night because you are mourning a loss, and, mourning a loss of someone who is still alive is a different kind of mourning”. It was the loss of my relationship and there is no time frame on it. I could take all the time I needed and no one can force it on me. I know a lot of people in my life just wanted me to move on and be happy, but I was really struggling. I felt like I had taken 10 steps backwards in my life, and they all swiftly kept moving forward.

A new gym was opening close to where I live, I thought about joining but questioned if I would actually go. I have always, for as long as I can remember, struggled with my weight. A close girlfriend of mine who is also my oldest friend said she had joined and encouraged me to go. She said we can go together and if each of us was going the other would be more determined to go, so I joined. I had lost some weight for my girlfriends wedding but soon put it all back on once he got home and I fell into depression. Since then, it has been a big struggle to lose it all again and this rollercoaster of weight loss has been going on since.

I started seeing some old friends that I used to go to school with and I felt like hanging out with ‘new’ people did me some good. They were from a different crowed and I felt like I was able to ‘start fresh’ with these friends and get to know them again. We did different things to what I’d usually be doing with my other friends and I was always laughing when I was with him. Laughing is my most favourite things to do in the world. For that moment, I forget about all the pain I have been in and I’m happy.

Mid May he went away again, this time to Canada. I felt like I had no right to get upset this time, we weren’t together, he was a single guy and was able to do as he pleased, but… I got upset. When he told me he was going, I got a sinking feeling in my stomach. He was going to be away for about six weeks and again, missing my Birthday. He left a few days before what would have been our anniversary. That day sucked, a lot. I tried to pretend it was like any other day but I couldn’t help but remember how we celebrated two years ago. Paris, breakfast in bed, strolls through the streets, Eiffel Tower by night, my heart literally ached.

About a week before he left, I decided to start this blog. It wasn’t something that I had been thinking about for a while, it was spontaneous. Something for me to do in order to get my story, thoughts and emotions written down. I felt like the people around me were sick of me talking about him, me, anxiety, depression and life. Again, that’s my anxiety kicking in, and I’m sure my friends and family were always happy to lend an ear.

We saw each other the morning he left, we talked about what day was coming up and I tried not to get emotional but I knew my eyes were tearing up. He said the date is something that he will always remember, something he wont forget. He still cared about me and always will. When he was leaving he gave me a hug and I couldn’t help but cry. I don’t know if it was the fact that he was leaving or the fact that being in his arms was something I had been missing so much for so long and that when his arms were around me I felt protected and loved. It was where I belonged. He told me not to cry and everything was going to be OK. Was it? I hoped so. I hoped that I was strong enough to move on sooner rather than later and to work harder at being… just me.

Like I have said previously, every night before I’d go to bed, I was determined to make sure that the next day was going to be my day, I was going to wake up and work hard at so many things in my life. Eating better, working out, working hard with my photography and promoting my business and being happy. I read all the ‘self help’ books in the world and saved every motivational quote I came across. For a split second or a few days I was so motivated to get out there and change my life, be a bigger and better person, successful and ultimately, happy.

As my birthday was approaching, I wasn’t at all interested to celebrate. I couldn’t help but remember my pervious birthday and thinking I can’t wait until he’s home next year to be with me to celebrate. I wasn’t interested in anything anyone wanted to do, I was happy to be with my family and have a quiet celebration.

I tried to organise just a small dinner with three of my closest friends and nothing seemed to go right, they weren’t available on the night I wanted to go so I decided to just go out with one girlfriend. I can’t explain the feeling, I was happy to be celebrating, but I felt a gaping hole in me. I didn’t want to make a big deal about it, so I stitched it up and headed to her house. She asked if her fiancé could come, “Of course I said” after all, ‘Its just the three of us’.

Boy, did I get a shock when I arrived…

Just me.

Being the new year, I was determined to make it so much better than the last. I knew things couldn’t change overnight, but I was sick of feeling sad all the time and I was desperate to be happy, so, I decided to make an appointment to see a psychologist. I figured if I was able to speak to someone who knows nothing about him and nothing about me and my life it might make me understand where I went wrong.

I booked my first appointment and off I went. I felt sick I was so nervous and, I got there forty-five minutes early!!! I had no idea what I’d say, how much I’d say or where I’d even start. After filling out some paperwork, she welcomed me into her office and I sat down. I felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. Why on earth was I so nervous?

“So… what would you like to talk about” she asked. Blaaah!!! Nothing but word vomit came out of my mouth, I pretty much started at the beginning and told her where it all started, what my life was like, how happy I was, what I was doing for work, my family life, friends, him, everything. I could see she was sitting and staring at me, taking everything I said in. She didn’t write a lot down, but when she did it made me think twice about what I was saying. Did I do the wrong thing? Is it my fault? Am I a bad person? Should I have done more?

By the end of the first session I thought I’d feel a lot better. I imagined feeling like a whole weight had been lifted off my shoulders and that I’d come out of there with a clear mind, but I felt nothing. I didn’t feel better, or different. I was glad that I was able to say what I needed to say without feeling judged. But as for the pain and uncertainty… nothing.

I spoke to my mum and told her how it went. “Yeah, it was okay” I said. I don’t like talking about things like that with my parents, I don’t like the fact that they feel my pain when I’m sad or upset, they shouldn’t have to feel it too. I really thought that after being on medication and seeing someone who I would magically feel better. She explained that these things take time and they don’t just ‘magically’ happen over night.

I remembered the whole rollercoaster conversation that I had been having with one of my closest girlfriends. I braced myself for the road to come, but was just so desperate to get to the end where everything was ok and I could go back to feeling normal. I knew it would take a while, but I was so eager to finally get there. Day to-day life became a little bit of a struggle, not all the time, but sometimes I would feel really unmotivated and unhappy. There were days where I’d really miss him, and just want to be with him and I wouldn’t enjoy the company of the other people I was around.

Back at the psychologist I started talking more about me and where I went wrong in life to be feeling like this, I always thought I was a good person and would go above and beyond for anyone in my life. I felt like I was being punished for taking everything for granted. Was it because I was stubborn? Or always took him for granted? Picked fights over the smallest things? What? Where did I possibly go wrong to end up the way we did?

Over the weeks my anxiety was getting worse and worse. I couldn’t stop putting stories in my head of what people were thinking of me. “Look at her, she deserves to feel like this” “Sucked in, she thought she had her whole life planned out” I couldn’t even get in the car without getting anxious at a traffic light in fear of what the people next to me were thinking. When I get anxious I go quiet and don’t want anything to do with anyone around me. I want to sit on my own and process everything. This often comes across as being in a bad mood, or angry and really annoys me. Everyone has a different way of dealing with it, I don’t judge them, so why should I be judged?!

I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about the past 10 years because reality was finally starting to hit home. I was alone, without him. I thought I had come to terms with what had happened, but boy was I wrong. I began to put on this front around my friends and family that I was dealing with it all. I wasn’t. I was a mess, I became a professional at pretending I was ok, and pretending I was having fun when I was out, pretending to have this smile on my face. I decided it was just easier to tell everyone I was moving along with life than sit there and have the same old conversation with them over and over.

Whenever I saw him on the odd occasion I felt instantly better. We celebrated his Christmas at his family friends house and I loved every second of it. It was like nothing had changed. I missed him, a lot, and I felt like he missed me too, but he was already happy, he was going to be OK so I needed to be ok.

I realised that this was the beginning of a whole new chapter of my life. I hadn’t been alone in 10 years, and had never been just me, we were always ‘him and me’.

Do I even know how to be… just me?

When The Clock Strikes Midnight.

Christmas if my favourite time of year. It’s when my whole family gets together and has a great time. We have it at our house every year and most years we spend it sitting by the pool and having an amazing lunch prepared by my parents. This year, however, I felt a big hole inside me. He wasn’t there. I know there were a few christmas’ where he was away, but this time he really wasn’t there. This killed me.

I wasn’t planning on doing anything for New Years. I couldn’t help but think back to this time last year where I announced to everyone, “This year I will become Mrs…” I felt so stupid and almost betrayed by my self that I had actually allowed myself to think something that amazing would happen to me. 2015 would have to be the worst year of my life. I lost my boyfriend, my partner and soul mate, but I think what was effecting me the most, was the fact that I lost his friendship. Don’t get me wrong, we were still great friends, but to me it was different, I felt he was the only person on this planet to really get who I was, and who I was really able to be myself around and it killed me that I didn’t have that anymore.

I didn’t plan on celebrating New Years Eve this year, I felt like I didn’t have anything to celebrate, for the past 10 years we have celebrated together and this year I just felt so lost. I had been invited to a few of my friends parties, but nothing that interested me, my brothers were going to be out and my parents were away. I was quite happy to sit at home on my own. I received one last phone call from a friend where he was able to convince me to go to a party he was going to. It made me think, I could either sit at home feeling sorry for myself or I could go out and have a good time with a few friends.

On the way there my anxiety was absolutely going through to roof. I was with one of my friends who was doing her best to keep me sane, but deep down I felt like I was going to crumble. Upon arrival, I felt the party atmosphere smack me in the face and at first I didn’t appreciate where I was, I just wanted to go home and be on my own. “Why though?” I kept asking myself, here I am with my friends, having a good time and enjoying everyone’s company. It’s so much better than where I could have been.

I couldn’t stop thinking about him, he had asked early on in the week what I’d be doing and when I said nothing, he really encouraged me to go out with friends and enjoy myself. When I found out that night that he was at home and not out celebrating with his friends, my heart almost shattered. Here I was, celebrating with a lot of his friends, and he was at home. The guilt I was feeling could have swallowed me whole. I decided not to let it all get too me too much and try to enjoy my time at the party.

I really tried my best to enjoy my time and put a smile on my face. I really felt the love from all my friends around me, I tried so hard not to bring the mood down, I don’t know how well of a job I was doing, my anxiety felt like it was so visible. When I get anxious, I go really quite, I don’t like to talk to anyone, I would just rather sit on my own and absorb my own thoughts and feelings, this makes it quite difficult when I can’t escape from people and I have to interact with them.

My girlfriend made sure I wasn’t alone all night, her and her boyfriend made me feel needed and wanted when I was feeling the complete opposite, I tried hard to enjoy my night with them, but couldn’t help feeling a little third wheelish (Now, however, I kind of consider myself as the third person in their relationship. Ha!)

The clock stroke midnight. I wiped away the tears rolling down my cheeks hoping no one would notice and hugged and kissed everyone whilst we let off some fireworks and toasted to the new year. My girlfriend grabbed me by the hand and took me to a quite place, she just hugged me a let me cry. Part of me felt so stupid and guilty for ruining a good party for her, and part of me was so thankful that I was with her and not at home.

Not long after midnight, I left that party and went past my other friends house where she just had some family over and a couple of friends, as funny as it sounds, I really felt the love that night from these two girls, they were adamant that I wasn’t going to spend the night alone and only insisted that I get out of the house.

I made my way home and as soon as I sat down I couldn’t control the tears. I think because I had just come from two houses full of people to an empty house, I went from a real high to an even lower low. I couldn’t stop thinking about ‘this time last year’ and how in a space of 12 months I was in such a different place. Somewhere that I never, ever imaged I would ever be. I thought this year, we’d be celebrating together and we’d be so happy that he was home and excited for the year ahead.

I was so desperate to be happy, but all I kept remembering was the ‘roller coaster’ I felt like this was only the beginning and I had to prepare myself what was to come.

How do you prepare for such a thing?

Me Against His World.

Every time we spoke, I kept asking him when he was coming home, I just wanted him here, I was so excited to see him and to start our future, which, if I’m honest, I was already kind of planning in my head but he didn’t need to know that, although, I’m pretty sure he did! I missed him more than I ever thought was possible and so, so much more than any other time he has travelled. He said a few times he wasn’t sure when he was coming home which killed me inside but reminded myself he was happy and enjoying life.

Over a few weeks I started to get a little angry at him, I had so much time on my hands that all I could think about was him and how he just got up and left with no intention to let me know when he would be coming home. How was I ok with this? How does he think this is normal? How can he think I would just sit here and wait for him? Is he even thinking about me or our future whilst over there? So many questions and thoughts continued to circle in my head.

I would bury these feelings, thoughts and emotions. I  always told myself, he would be home soon and everything was going to be fine, it was all in my head and I just had to keep myself busy.

I think my friends were split down the middle, some of them really felt for me, and others thought this was selfish of him. But I knew him, I knew he loved me and wanted to be with me. He just needed this time alone and to be able to travel how he wants and where he wants without me in the back of his mind. Everything was going to be fine and I was counting down to the next time I saw him and was able nestle into his arms where I belonged.

One morning I woke up to a message from him “I want to buy into this restaurant”. This was the first message that I read when I woke up, sort of unpleasant compared to most of the messages I usually get from him. Pure anger took over my body. “He WHAT?! Here I am, waiting patiently for him to come home, so we can finally move on with our lives and start a future together and here he is, not even thinking about our future!!” “Why the hell would he want to buy a restaurant? With what money? Where is he going to live? He knows nothing about running a business!!”

Nothing but anger riddled my body. I had lost all patience with him, but I couldn’t bare to fight with him then and there “Rightio” was my reply. I wanted to say so much more but I honestly could not be bothered. This was just another one of his ‘things I’m going to do’ that he never actually does. But I was still broken inside at the fact that he obviously wasn’t thinking too much about me.

This is how the next six months of absolute hell took over my life.

For the next few days, I was being quite short and blunt with him in my responses. I was furious at that comment and really wanted to have a proper conversation with him, not just over messages. He knew something was up because I would often say ‘luv u’ instead of ‘Love you’ (I hated when he would say luv u cause I felt like its not real, weird I know but it was our thing) so he knew when I would use it, there was something wrong. I told him not to worry and we would have a conversation when he got to Egypt on the phone. He wanted to talk then and there, but I really wasn’t ready and asked him to call me when he got to Egypt.

Looking back at these conversations, I unfortunately see how much of a fucking bitch I was to him when all he wanted to do was talk and I would bite his head off. But at the same time, I don’t blame myself for acting that way, I was literally at boiling point and I couldn’t handle any more of his shit.

I asked if he was thinking about us when he thought about buying this restaurant? Me? Our future? Sometimes, when I think back, I get so angry at myself so jumping down his throat so quickly. We talked about it, he said he would have to move there for a couple of months every year, and then the rest of the year here in Australia but he wasn’t sure and said he still had a lot to think about. “Fine” I told him, “If thats the case then we shouldn’t be together until you figure that part out” I told him that I was happy to travel a little more, but not right now, I wanted to do some things here together first. I told him I had been patient with all of his other travels, and other things he wanted to accomplish in his life before he settled down. I told him I couldn’t wait any longer, “Im sad, upset and unhappy, I don’t want to be unhappy anymore”

He didn’t know what to say. He was leaving for Egypt the next day. I told him I missed him which I did more than anything in this world, but I was all over the place with regards to my feelings.

He arrived in Egypt, I still didn’t want to talk to him, he had sent me a few messages, but I ignored them as much as possible because I knew what was coming and I hated it. But I felt like I was backed into a corner and I was so tired of always fighting for him. It was me up against his big bad world, and I knew I was going to lose.

We fought, and we fought a lot. About everything…

Keep On Keeping On.

Remember how I said something big was coming this year? Well this is not exactly what I had in mind, but I reminded myself that this was going to be his last trip alone and I was super excited and happy for him. He was meeting up with his best friend who was already travelling and I was happy that he was happy. I knew that I had this time to work hard on my diploma and create something that we could both work hard towards when he returned.

The car ride home was horrible. I was sad, but I was also really angry, I don’t know why but I just felt really angry and I took my anger out on everyone around me for the next couple of days. I think I was angry at him, but I was also angry at myself because all I wanted to do was cry and cry but I knew I couldn’t do that around my friends and family. To them it wasn’t a big deal, a lot of them have never had to go through this and I really don’t think they knew how hard it was and after all, its not like it hasn’t happened to me before.

This following year was going to be big. He had just left, my first year of not being in full-time employment, I was studying, my best friend was getting married and much, much more. About a week after he left, I was so motivated about everything! I was going to work hard and finish my diploma, I was going to work hard at losing weight (something I have battled my whole life) I was going to work hard at getting my photography business up and running and I was so determined to be so successful.

I had no choice but to keep on top of everything and continue on with my day to day activities. I spoke to him online as often as possible and he called me as much as he could. When we spoke, I was so happy, I could feel the smile on his face when he would tell me stories. I knew how happy he was, how much he was loving every second of it. After the first few weeks, life started to return to normal and I kept myself busy with nannying, studying, seeing friends and being with family.

His Birthday is at the end of March and as much as I wanted to share it with him, I knew that the next best place for him to be was travelling the world, being in his element and absolutely loving life. By this time I didn’t think I could meet him in Egypt as I had the responsibility looking after the kids I nanny and other commitments. I also had a plan to buy a big, beautiful, expensive computer, something I could call my own, something I had worked hard for and saved a lot of money for. I saw this as an investment to my business and career and as much as I wanted to explore Egypt with him, I felt it was a better decision for the long run.

I was really torn between what decision to make but I thought Egypt will always be there and I can travel anytime I want to. I decided on buying the computer. I think he was disappointed in my decision, as was I because I wanted more than anything to be with him and meet his family. But I knew that in order for me to make something of my career I had to take this step. An Investment.

I continued to work hard on my studies and was passing every assessment I completed. I knew I had it in me and I was learning so much. He was super proud as were my friends and family. The only thing I could do to get my mind of him not being here was keeping busy. My best friend was getting married in October and it was such an exciting time for her and I wanted to be there for her as much as possible. We went to our first dress fitting and on the way he called me, I didn’t want to be that person to bring down the mood, but I just burst into tears the second I heard his voice. I just wanted him here. I knew that as soon as I got off the phone, I would be ok and continue the day as normal, but for those couple of minutes it was hell. My bestie just put her hand on my knee and to me that meant more than anything, she didn’t have to do or say anything to me, but knowing that she was there and that she could feel my hurt meant so much to me.

As the weeks went on, I’d like to say it got easier, but that would be a lie. I told myself I was ok, and I was happy and that was what I was showing all of my friends and family. But I knew deep down, I was miserable, he is my favourite person in the whole wide world, the only one who truly gets me and he wasn’t here.

So… the countdown for his return begins…

It Was Our Thing.

Part of me was happy for him to go because its something that he absolutely loves most in the world. I was excited for him to go on so many adventures, meet new people and just experience life. But the other part of me was upset, angry and frustrated at the thought of him going. I literally felt like I was split down the middle.

We had many conversations just before he left about where our future was going, what I wanted out of my life, him his and ours together. One minute he was adamant that he didn’t want to get married, and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life on the road travelling, never being tied down by a mortgage or a job. Then the next minute, he told me he was saving for a ring and putting money away for a future, but at the same time, saving for his trip.

Everything was going to be fine, he knew this was it, his last ‘solo’ trip where he could go out, have fun, party hard, meet as many new people as he could, stay in places that I would never stay in and just be him and enjoy life. There was talk of me going over to Egypt to meet his family when he was there for his cousin’s wedding in May. I was already saving and as excited as ever! I spent nearly every possible second with him the week leading up to him going, literally every second.

A lot of my friends couldn’t believe that he was going again and a lot of his friends were so envious of his travels. I didn’t want to pretend that I was happy about it, and I had a lot of support from my closest friends. One in particular always said to me “I don’t know how you do it, I could never be OK with that, you are so patient” Patient, yes, I thought to myself but how can you not be OK with it? I could never imagine not ‘letting’ him go. Isn’t that part of being in a relationship? Making sure that your partner is happy? Doing what they love? Supporting them?

Coming up to the last couple of days I started to get really sad. I knew this feeling all too well, and it always hits me with only days leading up to him leaving. I cried ALL the time and if I wasn’t crying, I at least had tears in my eyes trying really hard not to cry. Everything, absolutely everything about him and us I was going to miss. I knew it wasn’t forever and before I knew it, I would be back in his arms where I belong.

The night before he left we went and had a couple of drinks with a few close friends as we have done every other time he has left. I didn’t want to leave his side, I didn’t want to stop holding his hand, or seeing his smile or hearing his laugh. I stuck right by him. When we went back to his house that night he still had to pack all of his clothes. Typical, always leaving this until the very last possible second. I cried pretty much the entire time (and tearing up as I sit and write this) we swapped a couple of items over as we always did, I gave him one of my rings, and he gave me his gold chain that he always wore.

I don’t even think I had opened my eyes the next morning and I was crying already. We only had a couple of hours before we had to leave for the airport and still had what seemed like a million and one things to get done. He said goodbye to his parents and then came and said goodbye to mine and that was it, we were in the car heading to the airport.

I really don’t know how I had any tears left by this stage, but I cried the whole way there. I was just so, so, so sad, I felt like my whole world was leaving me. There was no other way to describe it. Once he was all checked in, we had something to eat and then waited at the gates. Was I still crying? Of course. (Do I actually have tears running down my cheeks right now? Yes!) I sat huddled into his arms whilst he gave me a little pep talk about how amazing I’m going to do in the diploma course and once he gets back, we will get an amazing photography business up and running “You and I” he kept saying. A couple of days before we left, he wrote out a business plan. Something for us to work hard at when he got home, something that we could work on together when we got back and set up out future.

This was it, he had to walk through that hideous departure door. I felt sick to my stomach and for the life of me I couldn’t stop the tears. I was so desperately holding onto those last couple of minutes that we had with each other. We held hands as we walked over to the door, I just didn’t want to let him go.

He hugged me. Tight. Tears rolling down his cheeks.

We had one last kiss. He always kissed me on the lips and then on the forehead… It was our thing.

He hugged me tighter and told me he loved me.

We both turned around and walked opposite ways…

Here We Go Again.

Starting the new year unemployed and knowing that I didn’t want to go back into a 9-5 office job, I had no choice but to make something of my photography career. I started doing a lot of free jobs for family and friends so I could build my portfolio. Before I knew it, I had a Facebook page and and Instagram account and went wild with promoting my work.

The previous May two of our closest friends ended their relationship. This was a big shock to me, and I didn’t quite understand straight away why it all happened. I went to high school with her, so I had known her for nearly 15 years. He was best friends with her boyfriend and they had known each other since they were babies, we were like the awesome foursome, we did a lot of things together and always had so much fun.

After the break up, he decided it was time for him to pack up and travel. I think it was a great idea! In December he left with a round the world solo ticket and I couldn’t have been happier for him, it was his turn to get out there and live the absolute best life he could. There was talk of a meet up overseas somewhere for the two boys but I kept out of it, hoping it wouldn’t happen. I also kept in touch with her, there was no reason not too! She is an amazing person and still to this one day one of my closest friends.

At the end of January I was put in touch with a lovely family looking for a before and after school carer/nanny. I thought this would be a great opportunity for me as it would allow me to continue working hard of my photography.

I started at the end of January 2015 and to this day, I am still looking after these two gorgeous kids. When I am with them, I am reminded of what it was like to be a child and to not have the worries in the world that are currently on my mind. I can relate to them so much, they even go to the same primary school that I went too and I often see all of my old teachers.

I was really wanting to make something of my photography career. There were a few courses that I wanted to enrol in but Im not that type of person. Meeting new people gives me a lot of anxiety, and that whole comfort zone thing that I have spoken about a few times? Yep, this was a big part of it! He found an online course that offered a Diploma in Professional Photography however it cost $1,000 and I wasn’t prepared to spend that kind of money now that I was a part time nanny.

He was so adamant that this is something that I had to do, he knew that I was good at taking photos, but knew I could be so much better. He offered to pay for it, as long as I took is seriously and completed it properly. At first I didn’t want to accept the money because I knew how hard he had worked for it however he insisted that he really wanted for me to do this and it wasn’t up for discussion because I would only talk my way out of it. He gave me the money and told me to register in my own time but it was something that I had to do.

At the end of January, he came to me and said he wanted to go and meet his friend overseers for a little while as this would be his last ‘solo’ trip and it was something that they had talked about doing for years but just got carried away with being in a relationship and work life. I didn’t have much to say about it initially. I didn’t think he would actually go, or I thought he’d just go for a little holiday and meet him over there for a couple of weeks.

I didn’t like to entertain the idea, so I didn’t like talking about it. He would ask me on occasions if I wanted him to go, in which I obviously replied no, but in saying that I had never stopped him from doing things that he loved doing, I was never that type of girlfriend and I never intended on being one.

I tried to explain to him that, he has already done all of his travelling, WE had done our travelling and it was now time to settle down and start thinking seriously about our future. He always told me he knew all of this, and he was already saving for our future and once he got back we would get settled. I believed him.

Before I knew it, he had quit his job and booked his tickets and was leaving in two weeks! What. The. Fuck?!

Something Was Coming.

My contract at work was supposed to finish in October however I ended up extending until December and finish just before Christmas. I knew that I wasn’t going to get too comfortable because the company who I work for was bought out by a major bank and they were starting to hand out a lot of redundancies, including members from my team and department. I almost felt quite safe with everything that was going on because I know I was there working until Christmas and anything after that was up to me.

Before I knew it, I was having my second farewell in as many years at this job, I wasn’t leaving on my own though because a few people had also decided to leave at the same time. It was kind of one big farewell! I knew I’d be back to see everyone as often as I could.

A few months ago he had started a job at a community youth home where he was a carer for young troubled kids. It was so nice to see him doing something that he loved to do. As much as I think that studying law for six or seven years and not doing anything with it is a big waste, I think what he is doing for these kids is amazing. He had odd shifts, some morning and some night, so it was a little harder to see each other as often as we once did. It was nice though because on the days where we couldn’t see each other, we would really miss each other!

He is someone who wants nothing but the best for everyone he knows. He has the biggest heart and the kindest soul and only wants to always be of help to anyone who crosses his path, he is a great role model for kids who have been in or going through some troubled times. He is very patient, understanding and loyal so I knew this job was going to be amazing for him. At the same time, I knew it would also be amazing for us. With us both working, we would be able to start saving for (hopefully) a deposit on a house or something for our future. I didn’t like to talk about this too much with him, cause I was always too scared we’d end up fighting and I felt we were in such a good place in our relationship that I didn’t want to ruin that. On the odd occasion that we did talk about it there were parts of me that just wanted to get through his thick skull what I wanted in life and I hoped he wanted the same and sometimes it would get really frustrating.

We had a massive conversation one night, and came to the conclusion that we both wanted the same things in life. But I wanted to just walk straight ahead and do it the ‘normal’ way. He wanted to go left, right, up, down, in, out, through, over and under to get there. This same thing is what ‘most’ people want. A home, a loving marriage and a family. I realllllllllly didn’t think I was asking for too much after all the years I had committed to him and his travelling and crazy ideas.

Christmas had come around again (already?!) this year was hot, really hot! But I loved it, it reminded me of being a kid and how hot Christmas used to be when we were growing up. He couldn’t attend my family lunch (which is held at our house every year and my parents put on THE most amazing day) because he was working, as much as it sucked, I appreciated what he was doing. His parents still came and enjoyed the day with the rest of my family (being Egyptian, they celebrate Christmas on January 7) so we get the best of both worlds!

After Christmas (obviously) comes New Years. We had a big party at one of our friends houses with a lot of close friends. He was so amazing that night, he looked after all the food (as I have mentioned I think three or a hundred time already, he’s a great cook!) he made sure I was having a good night and made sure he cleaned up after. It started to become a ritual, that every year I would joke about becoming ‘Mrs’ the next year, I did it last year and the year before that.

This year, though, I had a feeling, I couldn’t exactly put my finger on it, but I had a feeling that something BIG was going to happen…