Christmas if my favourite time of year. It’s when my whole family gets together and has a great time. We have it at our house every year and most years we spend it sitting by the pool and having an amazing lunch prepared by my parents. This year, however, I felt a big hole inside me. He wasn’t there. I know there were a few christmas’ where he was away, but this time he really wasn’t there. This killed me.
I wasn’t planning on doing anything for New Years. I couldn’t help but think back to this time last year where I announced to everyone, “This year I will become Mrs…” I felt so stupid and almost betrayed by my self that I had actually allowed myself to think something that amazing would happen to me. 2015 would have to be the worst year of my life. I lost my boyfriend, my partner and soul mate, but I think what was effecting me the most, was the fact that I lost his friendship. Don’t get me wrong, we were still great friends, but to me it was different, I felt he was the only person on this planet to really get who I was, and who I was really able to be myself around and it killed me that I didn’t have that anymore.
I didn’t plan on celebrating New Years Eve this year, I felt like I didn’t have anything to celebrate, for the past 10 years we have celebrated together and this year I just felt so lost. I had been invited to a few of my friends parties, but nothing that interested me, my brothers were going to be out and my parents were away. I was quite happy to sit at home on my own. I received one last phone call from a friend where he was able to convince me to go to a party he was going to. It made me think, I could either sit at home feeling sorry for myself or I could go out and have a good time with a few friends.
On the way there my anxiety was absolutely going through to roof. I was with one of my friends who was doing her best to keep me sane, but deep down I felt like I was going to crumble. Upon arrival, I felt the party atmosphere smack me in the face and at first I didn’t appreciate where I was, I just wanted to go home and be on my own. “Why though?” I kept asking myself, here I am with my friends, having a good time and enjoying everyone’s company. It’s so much better than where I could have been.
I couldn’t stop thinking about him, he had asked early on in the week what I’d be doing and when I said nothing, he really encouraged me to go out with friends and enjoy myself. When I found out that night that he was at home and not out celebrating with his friends, my heart almost shattered. Here I was, celebrating with a lot of his friends, and he was at home. The guilt I was feeling could have swallowed me whole. I decided not to let it all get too me too much and try to enjoy my time at the party.
I really tried my best to enjoy my time and put a smile on my face. I really felt the love from all my friends around me, I tried so hard not to bring the mood down, I don’t know how well of a job I was doing, my anxiety felt like it was so visible. When I get anxious, I go really quite, I don’t like to talk to anyone, I would just rather sit on my own and absorb my own thoughts and feelings, this makes it quite difficult when I can’t escape from people and I have to interact with them.
My girlfriend made sure I wasn’t alone all night, her and her boyfriend made me feel needed and wanted when I was feeling the complete opposite, I tried hard to enjoy my night with them, but couldn’t help feeling a little third wheelish (Now, however, I kind of consider myself as the third person in their relationship. Ha!)
The clock stroke midnight. I wiped away the tears rolling down my cheeks hoping no one would notice and hugged and kissed everyone whilst we let off some fireworks and toasted to the new year. My girlfriend grabbed me by the hand and took me to a quite place, she just hugged me a let me cry. Part of me felt so stupid and guilty for ruining a good party for her, and part of me was so thankful that I was with her and not at home.
Not long after midnight, I left that party and went past my other friends house where she just had some family over and a couple of friends, as funny as it sounds, I really felt the love that night from these two girls, they were adamant that I wasn’t going to spend the night alone and only insisted that I get out of the house.
I made my way home and as soon as I sat down I couldn’t control the tears. I think because I had just come from two houses full of people to an empty house, I went from a real high to an even lower low. I couldn’t stop thinking about ‘this time last year’ and how in a space of 12 months I was in such a different place. Somewhere that I never, ever imaged I would ever be. I thought this year, we’d be celebrating together and we’d be so happy that he was home and excited for the year ahead.
I was so desperate to be happy, but all I kept remembering was the ‘roller coaster’ I felt like this was only the beginning and I had to prepare myself what was to come.
How do you prepare for such a thing?