Over the next few meetings with my psychologist we dove deeper into me being me and why I am the person I am. I began to feel like I had never thought so much about life and what it all means like I had over the past 12 months. I was spending an abundance amount of time on my own that my brain was literally on over drive with every possible thought and every single memory of the past 10 years questioning myself, my beliefs, values and importance.
I remember my anxiety and depression getting worse and worse. I was good at hiding it most of the time, but sometimes I didn’t want to face the outside world. I didn’t want to talk to family or friends and I would bottle everything up and keep to myself. I tried to make every day a new beginning and start fresh, but something would happen or a thought would pop into my head and it would take me straight back down again.
I remember talking to my psychologist and asking why I wasn’t moving on as quick as I thought I should be. She said “look, it won’t happen over night because you are mourning a loss, and, mourning a loss of someone who is still alive is a different kind of mourning”. It was the loss of my relationship and there is no time frame on it. I could take all the time I needed and no one can force it on me. I know a lot of people in my life just wanted me to move on and be happy, but I was really struggling. I felt like I had taken 10 steps backwards in my life, and they all swiftly kept moving forward.
A new gym was opening close to where I live, I thought about joining but questioned if I would actually go. I have always, for as long as I can remember, struggled with my weight. A close girlfriend of mine who is also my oldest friend said she had joined and encouraged me to go. She said we can go together and if each of us was going the other would be more determined to go, so I joined. I had lost some weight for my girlfriends wedding but soon put it all back on once he got home and I fell into depression. Since then, it has been a big struggle to lose it all again and this rollercoaster of weight loss has been going on since.
I started seeing some old friends that I used to go to school with and I felt like hanging out with ‘new’ people did me some good. They were from a different crowed and I felt like I was able to ‘start fresh’ with these friends and get to know them again. We did different things to what I’d usually be doing with my other friends and I was always laughing when I was with him. Laughing is my most favourite things to do in the world. For that moment, I forget about all the pain I have been in and I’m happy.
Mid May he went away again, this time to Canada. I felt like I had no right to get upset this time, we weren’t together, he was a single guy and was able to do as he pleased, but… I got upset. When he told me he was going, I got a sinking feeling in my stomach. He was going to be away for about six weeks and again, missing my Birthday. He left a few days before what would have been our anniversary. That day sucked, a lot. I tried to pretend it was like any other day but I couldn’t help but remember how we celebrated two years ago. Paris, breakfast in bed, strolls through the streets, Eiffel Tower by night, my heart literally ached.
About a week before he left, I decided to start this blog. It wasn’t something that I had been thinking about for a while, it was spontaneous. Something for me to do in order to get my story, thoughts and emotions written down. I felt like the people around me were sick of me talking about him, me, anxiety, depression and life. Again, that’s my anxiety kicking in, and I’m sure my friends and family were always happy to lend an ear.
We saw each other the morning he left, we talked about what day was coming up and I tried not to get emotional but I knew my eyes were tearing up. He said the date is something that he will always remember, something he wont forget. He still cared about me and always will. When he was leaving he gave me a hug and I couldn’t help but cry. I don’t know if it was the fact that he was leaving or the fact that being in his arms was something I had been missing so much for so long and that when his arms were around me I felt protected and loved. It was where I belonged. He told me not to cry and everything was going to be OK. Was it? I hoped so. I hoped that I was strong enough to move on sooner rather than later and to work harder at being… just me.
Like I have said previously, every night before I’d go to bed, I was determined to make sure that the next day was going to be my day, I was going to wake up and work hard at so many things in my life. Eating better, working out, working hard with my photography and promoting my business and being happy. I read all the ‘self help’ books in the world and saved every motivational quote I came across. For a split second or a few days I was so motivated to get out there and change my life, be a bigger and better person, successful and ultimately, happy.
As my birthday was approaching, I wasn’t at all interested to celebrate. I couldn’t help but remember my pervious birthday and thinking I can’t wait until he’s home next year to be with me to celebrate. I wasn’t interested in anything anyone wanted to do, I was happy to be with my family and have a quiet celebration.
I tried to organise just a small dinner with three of my closest friends and nothing seemed to go right, they weren’t available on the night I wanted to go so I decided to just go out with one girlfriend. I can’t explain the feeling, I was happy to be celebrating, but I felt a gaping hole in me. I didn’t want to make a big deal about it, so I stitched it up and headed to her house. She asked if her fiancé could come, “Of course I said” after all, ‘Its just the three of us’.
Boy, did I get a shock when I arrived…