He. Was. Home.

The thought of him coming home made me sick to the stomach. One minute I was so, so, SO excited to see him and I just wanted to be wrapped in his arms to take all my pain away and the next minute I couldn’t think of anything worse than seeing him. I knew how much I wanted to be with him, I knew how much I didn’t want things to end and how much I just wanted to go back to the way things were. I knew I wasn’t happy without him, but I also knew I could be happier with him. I buried the hope that things would work out, but I mean, it was us, there was no way it was over.

I knew how I was feeling, what I was thinking and what I wanted. I planned out in my head how I wanted it all to go. The only problem is, I had no idea what he was thinking, feeling or wanting. What if he didn’t want to get back together? I didn’t want to accept that. We were meant to be together, we fit perfectly.

I asked his mum to message me as soon as he got home. I needed to know that he was defiantly home this time and didn’t ‘miss’ his flight again. I woke up to a message really early in the morning “He just got home” it said. I could not for the life of me get back to sleep. Whats going to happen? Will he call me straight away? Will he wait a few days? Will he not want to see me at all? What do I do when I see him? Hug him? Kiss him? Or just a high-five? Do I just burst into tears? Cry? Smile? Laugh? Do I pretend like nothing happened? “Just go back to sleep and see what happens tomorrow” So, I did… at about 4am.

Late afternoon the next day, I got a call from his mums number “Hello” I answered, “Yoow” He replied, which he always did. This smile just took over my face and I couldn’t control it. I missed his voice more than I thought and for some reason I felt very calm and relaxed. We decided to meet at a local park around the corner to catch up. I called a girlfriend straight away and told her what was happening, I wanted to be sick. “You’ll be fine” she said. “Just go in with a clear mind” It was anything but clear but I went anyway.

I don’t know if it was awkward or not, I often don’t feel awkward in situations unless they are really bizarre but I just wanted him to hug me, which he did… It was a friendly hug though, not an ‘I missed you so much hug’. We sat down at a table and both played it cool for a while. He told me stories of his trip, I kind of didn’t care about what he was telling me but sat there with a smile on my face acting interested. He knew I wasn’t, he’s known me long enough to know that I didn’t care what he was talking about. “You don’t really care do you?” “Nope” I replied. “Sorry” A lot of the rest of the conversation is quite a blur. We literally sat there and talked for over four hours.

We went over a lot of what we have already talked about, that we just needed to be apart, we wanted different things, and different ways of getting them. I wasn’t prepared to live a lifestyle he wanted for us and vice versa. I cried during most of this conversation and he said many times, he doesn’t know what the future holds for either of us, he wants to live this life of travelling and not being tied down to anything, he didn’t want the pressure to be someone who he didn’t want to be. I get it. I understand it. But I still couldn’t accept it. Why was he saying these things? How can he be OK with us not being together anymore? How can he think of all of the memories we have and not feel anything. He asked if I wanted him to come and sit next to me for a hug, I said no. But I so, so, SOOO desperately wanted him to sit down next to me, put his arms around me and just hug me and never let me go. He was my person.

He asked on many occasions did I want to get back together? My heart wanted to scream out YES! But, for some reason it wouldn’t come out of my mouth, I knew what I didn’t want in a relationship and I also knew what I did want. I wanted someone who would care for me in other ways than he did, someone to look after me, someone who would put my needs and wants first on occasions, someone who was willing to make sacrifices for me and unfortunately he wasn’t willing to do that. At that point I started to feel I was thinking more with my head rather than my heart. I could have easily forgotten about that last few months and just said “Yes, let’s get back together” but did I actually want that? I started to question myself. I do love him and I do so badly want to be with him so how come I wouldn’t allow myself to just say yes?

The conversation had to come to an end eventually, I was still crying and in full disbelief that this was happening to us. I truly believed that once he saw me, he would realise that he missed me so much and he was crazy to not want to be with me. I believed that as soon as he hugged me he wouldn’t want to let go, as soon as we spoke he would realise how understanding and patient I am and as soon as I cried he would realise just how much I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. He would come to the realisation how much he hurt me and that he’d want to do anything to fix that.

When we left, he put his hand out for a fist pump. I just looked at him, he giggled and said he didn’t know what to do. I told him “Hug me!!” He did. It was the warmest, heart-felt yet saddest hug we have ever had together. He got in his car, I got in mine and he drove off. I just sat there and absolutely balled my eyes out. I couldn’t believe this was happening to us. I started to hyperventilate because all my emotions got the better of me. A few minutes later, I saw his car come back down the driveway to the park. I immediately stopped and was calm again. “Are you OK?” he said, “Yeah, I’m just trying to make a phone call” My eyes all blood shot and puffy.

That night, he organised for a few of his friends to meet him at the local pub for a few drinks and invited me to tag along. I really wasn’t sure if he wanted me there or not, but he insisted. When we were all together, it was like nothing had ever happened, we all laughed and listened to his stories and got along with no problems at all. I felt like the last nine months didn’t exist and everything was normal.

On the way home I was talking to my girlfriend and told her I was feeling ok with everything. She said the next 12 months will be an absolute rollercoaster, I didn’t quite understand that because I felt like everything has already blown over and we were friends and it was all good.

Little did I know…

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