I never really understood the saying My head is saying one thing, but my heart is saying another until now, because with all of my heart I was prepared to stick this out and be with him and give him everything he wanted and to just love him more than ever. But my head was saying that I needed to be brave and leave, I needed to put me first.
I attended his cousin’s wedding without him. It was beautiful, my best friend was also invited so I went along with her family. His parents were there and really happy to see me, we all danced and enjoyed each others company and all in all was a lovely day. I just hated that I was there without him. I loved sharing all those events with him, looking nice and feeling good about myself, he always made me feel like the prettiest girl in the room and even though he was on the other side of the world still managed to tell me “You looked really pretty”.
As the days went on, we still talked but mainly argued. I was pre occupied with helping my best friend plan her wedding, still having some sort of hope that we’d work things out and he’d be home by then and those discussions also turned into arguments almost every time we spoke. I had that much anger inside of me that every time we spoke I felt like I hated him more and more! But, at the same time, I would have done anything in my power get on a plane and be there for him, I wanted to shelter him from all the hurt and pain he was going through, I just wanted him to be OK.
There were countless days that I didn’t want to talk or see anyone. I allowed myself to just sit on the lounge all day and watch movies and cry at the drop of a hat. I had dress fittings to attend with a smile on my face but ache in my heart. Every time I tried on my bridesmaids dress, I just pictured me walking into the church and seeing him there but I quickly removed the thought from my head and remembered what reality I was in. Throughout August we talked a lot and I felt like this was the worlds longest break up, with him only having limited access to the internet it was hard to have a full conversation without being cut off.
For our anniversary in 2012 we booked a hotel for a couple of nights in the city. One night, before we headed out to dinner we had the TV on and the movie The Lost Valentine was playing. I heard the quote “Now you have my heart. Keep it next to yours and bring it back to me. I will always Love You” – Caroline. I wrote it down and kept it in my phone. I sent him the screen shot one day when we were talking online and he replied “I will always love you too. Together, not together, other side of the world or in the same neighbourhood and I’m always here for you too, even if we don’t end up together we will always have something” and to that I replied, “Just find your happiness, that’s all I want for you”. This was my way of saying that I will always love him, he will always have my heart and just because we can’t be together right now, doesn’t mean any of that changes.
Every time we spoke, I always had hope that we would work it out, that he would tell me he’s on his way home to sort out all this shit and we would pick up where we left off and be happier than ever but every time we spoke and it didn’t work out like that I would get even more angry and upset for allowing myself to believe anything would be different. I really believed we were the perfect couple, just not in the perfect situation (I can hear him saying “there is no such thing as perfect”)
Towards the end of August, I really started to panic that he wouldn’t be at my best friends wedding, I wanted him more than ever to be there. Before he left, all I could imagine was being at that wedding with him and enjoying our time together. We fought, a lot, about whether he’d be back for the wedding, I said a lot of nasty hurtful things to him and looking back at these messages, part of me cannot believe I said them, but then the other part of me isn’t sorry for saying them at all. I was hurting, and from where I was standing, he was the one who hurt me. He left, and before he did, made many promises and now he was breaking every single one of them. The wedding was me clutching at straws hoping everything would just fall back in place.
When he told me he wasn’t going to be back for her wedding I was devastated. I was holding onto so much hope that he would make the effort and come home, that he would stop being selfish, and for once put me first. I didn’t expect us to get back together, but for him to just suck it up and be there for me. After all, his whole family would be attending… Again!
One night when I was having a couple of drinks with the bestie and I told her that he wouldn’t be home for the wedding she told me she didn’t think he would but didn’t want to hurt me anymore than I already was. I started to explain to her, that as much as this day was all about her I couldn’t help but imagine how it would be walking into the church with a gorgeous dress on, hair and make up done nicely and him seeing me walk down the aisle. I hoped it would maybe help change his mind a little on marriage or at the very least, us. I tried desperately to hold back my tears but I couldn’t do anything to stop them running down my cheeks. I could see the her eyes start to well up with tears too. She put her hand on my hand and I felt that she was feeling my pain. At this point, I knew there was nothing else I could do to have him home for her wedding and I had to just embrace it for what it was and enjoy every bloody second of it.
The next two months were going to be really busy for me. I had my best friends wedding and all the events that come along with it (Bridal Shower, Hens etc) and the day after her wedding I had another good friends Bridal Shower to start off her wedding celebrations. This all kept me really busy which was great, but I still always had in the back of my mind what my reality was. I still cried almost every single night, every time I thought about anything that happened in the last 10 years I always got tears in my eyes, (even now writing this) especially our Europe trip, which, to me means more than anything in the world because everything about that was magical and to think that the person who I shared all of these amazing things with is no longer part of my life devastated me.
Leading up to the wedding, we went a few weeks without talking. I wanted nothing to do with him at that stage, I could say I hated him, really hated him. I always said to myself I will never regret the last ten years, but always wish that things worked out differently. Her wedding was amazing, she looked absolutely gorgeous and they were so, so, so happy!
The day after her wedding, I had my other girlfriends Bridal Shower and it was go, go, go for the next few weeks. The week after, we had her hens party. It was so nice to get away for a couple of days and relax. She was marrying one of his best mates so I knew he wanted to be home for this wedding (finally)
After partying one night whislt we were away, I woke up to another text.
I’ll be home on the 20th…