I Still Love You.

He was due home around July 5th with his cousins engagement being a few days later. I couldn’t wait to see him and move on with life. One morning, I woke up to the most heart wrenching message (it may seem a little dramatic now, but at the time, I felt like my heart was being pulled out me) He had “missed” his flight, he read the time wrong on the ticket. He was very apologetic and said it was an honest mistake, finishing with an “I love you”. At first I didn’t believe it and had to re read it a couple of times, I saw the sincerity in his message and began to believe it was all real. “K” I replied, “Dont talk to me again until you are standing in front of me”.

I expected him to have booked another ticket straight away to at least be home for another cousin of his wedding (I know, I know! They’re Egyptian, there is a lot of them) two weeks later and I had pressured him into making sure he was home so I didn’t look stupid in front of his family again! Paragraphs and paragraphs of messages were sent backwards and forwards about how disappointed I was in him and how much I hated him for what he was doing to me and that everything was his fault.

Reading back on these messages has been incredibly hard for me, and looking back I kind of see where it all went wrong, but at the same time, I’m not sorry for acting (or overreacting) the way I did. I was filled with so much anger and in a sense I guess it had been building up over a few years. He advised he now didn’t want to come home to ‘face the music’ he couldn’t be the person that we all wanted him to be.

“Your not even trying, I know your not, you are so pathetic” “What exactly are you doing right now? How the fuck are you living? How are you eating? What country are you even in?” I was raging with absolute hatred for him, I was so angry with him, but, was I also angry at myself? I didn’t know, I had a million and one things running through my mind I didn’t know what to think about him, about us or about our future. “I don’t give a fuck what kind of hard time you are going through, you have been going through a hard time for nine years”. The thing with him was, he was always so smart, in nearly every aspect of his life, he knew what he wanted, he was also so driven and was determined to work hard towards his goals but at the same time, he was so lost and half the time he had no idea what he wanted in life. I think it came down to him being split down the middle with either following suit of what everyone else around him was doing and following the ‘norm’ of society just to fit in, or to go against the grain and live his life the way he believed it should be.

He struggled with his for a long time and I know deep down it hurt him more than he ever led on. He was the kindest human being in the world, and carried a lot of pain between trying to please his family, friends and of course me and trying to fulfil his life of things he wanted to accomplish without disappointing any of the people who he cared about most. I knew all of this, I knew the pain he was in and the confusion he was going through but at this point in time, I couldn’t care less. I didn’t care what he was going through, I felt like I had been dealing with it for nearly 10 years and I was over it.

“I cannot stand the thought of you! You have no idea the sleepless nights I’ve had. The anger inside of me makes me physically sick!”

“This isn’t over” he said “Why cant we just go on a break”

“This isn’t even a relationship, I don’t know what it is anymore. I don’t care for you, I don’t even know if I love you, I do know that I can’t even say those words to you”

“If I am at this wedding on my own, I will never forgive you. Ever”

“I cant believe where we are right now, I thought I’d love you forever, I never thought you would do this to me, after everything else you have put me through. I feel like I am in a never-ending bad dream”

“I’m sorry that I’ve hurt you so much, I really am, it was not my intention. You knew I wanted to travel for a while and I don’t know what to say, I’m sorry, I love you” he said. I knew he was sorry, and I knew he had absolutely no intention to purposely hurt me but I was hurt beyond words and I truly believed that if he knew how hurt I was because of him, he would have come home.

“Like I said, I stopped caring a while ago” which wasn’t entirely true. I did care, but I cared too much about him, and not enough about myself which I have learnt the hard way and I am now coming to this realisation.

“It’s hard when we both want such opposite things and neither of us are willing to compromise, you’re always trying to force me to be someone I’m not and I’ve probably done the same to you too”

This is true. And, I hate admitting it. I wont necessarily say that I was always trying to pressure him to be someone he wasn’t, because I LOVED everything about him, I just wished that sometimes he had more stability. I would encourage his beliefs, protests and goals but I also wanted to encourage him to think about and work towards our future, our relationship and our goals as a couple and towards the end of our relationship I started to realise this was never going to happen, he was to head strong in trying to save the world and fight for what was wrong with the world, rather than fight for our future. I always told him, “You can live whatever life you want, as long as you are coming home to me at the end of the day” and I always swore I would stand by that, as long as he was taking care of me and his family and we were a priority in his life then I would always encourage and support him in every other aspect of his life, but I felt I wouldn’t be a priority and I would have to battle the other part of his life for the rest of our relationship.

“I’m getting away from all the drama and noise to try to figure me out like you keep telling me. I’m also getting a chance to live a particular way, in say, a collective house and seeing how much I want something like this to be a part of my life” That was it for me. I was done. Those are the words I didn’t want to hear. I finally came to the realisation that I had lost my battle, I let him slip through my fingers after holding on for so long. He was my person, we all have that person and he was mine and I lost him. I was completely broken.

“Then do it, enjoy your life” What we have/had obviously doesn’t mean enough to you, I don’t want to be apart of that life, I’m done”

“It does mean something to me, we have been together for nearly ten years”

He kept pushing for a break and not necessarily a break up. In hind site it probably wasn’t such a bad idea, but, I don’t like to live with regrets and the unknown will always be there, but where would we be if it was just a break? Maybe still in this same position? Who knows?  I can’t live my life now wondering what would have happened cause that would just be torture.

“We are officially done. You have chosen that life over me. I am over it all. I honestly hope you find whatever it is that you are looking for, and that you are so happy with this life that you chose and I really mean that. I hope you find happiness one day. The past nine years have been absolutely amazing and I wouldn’t change any of it for the world. I will always, always Love You. Always.

“This isn’t over, I love you”

I couldn’t take it anymore, I had been physically sick and cried for hours, my whole body was in pain and I just wanted to sleep. I had decided the next day I would tell my parents and I would also go and see his parents and tell them what has happened.

I was really scared to tell both of our parents. I didn’t want my parents to react in a negative way, being their only daughter they have always done everything in their power to protect me, and feeling that they weren’t able to protect me through all of this would have killed them.

I cried to my mum, which I never do. I sobbed in her arms and just wanted her to take all my pain away. After all, our mums are our super heroes and they can do those things right?! She told me she knew things weren’t okay for a while, she knew something was wrong with the way I had been acting, and here I was thinking I was being so strong and able to cover up my emotions. She told my dad what happened, he did the same and just hugged me. They loved him, and loved that he loved me, but I guess in a sense wish he made some different decisions.

The next day, I was meeting up with a family friend of his who I have become quite close with over the past few years. I mentioned to her what happened and told her that I was going to see his parents that night to explain everything to them. She offered to come with me for support. When we arrived, his mum was so happy to see us. I get along very well with his parents, our families always got long too so for me, I was just breaking up with him, I was breaking up with his parents and family which, over nearly 10 years have become my family.

I was physically shaking when I started to tell her what happened. I had a massive headache from trying to keep my tears from flowing down my cheeks. I saw the smile from her face drop and her heart sink. She asked me to stop and if she could call his dad downstairs. I don’t think I stopped talking for about twenty minutes, I just said everything that was on my mind. I told them how I felt, what had happened between us, how I had been feeling, what we had been saying to each other and I did not hold back. I was very upfront with everything I said to him. I think they were just as devastated as me, they didn’t want to believe it. They love their son more than anything in this world, but they could also see the hurt I was going through and they felt it too.

It was nothing like I expected, we all cried and hugged and cried some more and talked for hours. The last thing I wanted out of all of this was to hurt and disappoint them. After our discussions they understood where I was coming from and were just as heart-broken as I was. They told me they loved me and that nothing will change between them and me. They said they weren’t sad because of him, they were sad because they were losing their daughter.

“I went to see your parents last night, they know whats happened, they just want you home safe” I told him.

“I still love you! I don’t know why you are making this so final and official”…

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