Treading On Eggshells.

We kept it quite low-key for a while. I let him be, allowed him to settle back into reality and tried hard myself to keep busy. I didn’t want to suffocate him, I knew how anxious he was about being home and having to face everyone, I didn’t want to be another thing he had to worry about.

Part of me was so happy he was home, I missed him, I missed my person, even though we weren’t together he always made me feel calm and happy and just knowing he was right around the corner made me feel so much better given the circumstances. He has a very calming nature (most of the time) and I felt at ease.

We had our friends wedding the following week and I was quite excited. I was so happy for them and it couldn’t have happened to a happier couple. This time, however, he would actually be there and I think I was quite excited about that too. We were seated next to each other which was fine, I wanted things to be as normal as possible and in saying that, things could have been a lot worse given what happened over the past few months.

I went early with him to the grooms house to help out a little bit and slowly but surely people started to show up, I hadn’t seen a lot of them since the break up and I think they were a little unsure on how to act around us but we were acting so normal, we were even arguing about stupid shit like we would as if we were still together and soon enough everyone else started acting normal around us too. The ceremony was amazing and although I think a few of us were going to pass out from heat exhaustion it was still as beautiful as I imagined. The bridesmaids looked gorgeous and the Bride, absolutely stunning.

After everything started to settle and life started to get back to ‘normal’ I felt myself falling. I started to distance myself from people, friends and family. I found it harder and harder to get out of bed every day. I knew I had to get up to go to work, but as soon as I got home, I would sit on the lounge and spend all day there until I had to go back to work in the afternoon. I found it physically impossible to get out of the house unless I absolutley had to.

I literally cried all the time, and if I wasn’t crying I had tears filling up my eyes. When I was around my brothers or my parents, I always pretended I was ok. I didn’t want them to worry, or think anything was wrong. I spoke to a few close friends but not even they knew how I was really feeling, I didn’t want to keep carrying on about how much pain I was in, how I hated everything about my life and how unhappy I was. Alot of them were in the happiest times of their lives and I tried not to take that away from them.

After a week of not being able to get out of bed, I finally decided to take myself to my family doctor. I told him what had happened and how it was impacting me on a daily basis. I thought if I went to my doctor first, he’d be able to fix it and everything would go away, I wouldn’t need to tell my family how bad I really was. I guess they aren’t stupid though, I knew they knew exactly what was going on but were treading on eggshells around me. After a lengthy conversation with my doctor he advised me I had severe depression and anxiety. How? I thought to myself, sever? I wasn’t feeling THAT bad… was I? I knew that I wasn’t feeling 100% but didn’t think it required medication. I felt I had anxiety, because I now believe I have had it for a long time and just not knew what it was.

I was prescribed antidepressants and anxiety medication, which, to be honest I wasn’t too keen on, I couldn’t understand how a pill was going to make me feel better when this was all in my head. I knew I was over thinking everything and I couldn’t switch my brain off, I knew I was feeling like this because I was only thinking negatively, I thought the whole world was against me and couldn’t stand the thought of being happy.

Once I finished at the doctors and got home, I called my mum straight away, I told her how I had been feeling and whats been happening, she was more than understandable, and I can say that I felt so much better as soon as I told her, like a whole weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Not long after I hung up with her, my dad called, I could hear in his voice he was concerned for me as most parents would be. He told me everything was OK, there was no expectations of anyone, and its ok to feel the way I was feeling.

I was taking the medication for a few weeks, I started to feel slightly better, but I felt like I was just telling myself that because I was taking something for it. I knew deep down this wasn’t fixing my problem and I knew that I couldn’t keep feeling like this as I was a burden to everyone else around me. I decided to go back to the doctor and explain to him how I was still feeling, I didn’t want to be in the medication as I didn’t want to become reliant on it.

I was referred to a psychologist which was quite scary, although I knew that speaking to someone who didn’t know one thing about me and didn’t know one thing about him would do me the world of good. As it was getting close to Christmas, I thought I’d wait till the new year to start fresh and would book an appointment in the new year.

I was dreading Christmas this year, I know that I had previously spent a couple of Christmas’ without him, but this time I really was… without him.

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He. Was. Home.

The thought of him coming home made me sick to the stomach. One minute I was so, so, SO excited to see him and I just wanted to be wrapped in his arms to take all my pain away and the next minute I couldn’t think of anything worse than seeing him. I knew how much I wanted to be with him, I knew how much I didn’t want things to end and how much I just wanted to go back to the way things were. I knew I wasn’t happy without him, but I also knew I could be happier with him. I buried the hope that things would work out, but I mean, it was us, there was no way it was over.

I knew how I was feeling, what I was thinking and what I wanted. I planned out in my head how I wanted it all to go. The only problem is, I had no idea what he was thinking, feeling or wanting. What if he didn’t want to get back together? I didn’t want to accept that. We were meant to be together, we fit perfectly.

I asked his mum to message me as soon as he got home. I needed to know that he was defiantly home this time and didn’t ‘miss’ his flight again. I woke up to a message really early in the morning “He just got home” it said. I could not for the life of me get back to sleep. Whats going to happen? Will he call me straight away? Will he wait a few days? Will he not want to see me at all? What do I do when I see him? Hug him? Kiss him? Or just a high-five? Do I just burst into tears? Cry? Smile? Laugh? Do I pretend like nothing happened? “Just go back to sleep and see what happens tomorrow” So, I did… at about 4am.

Late afternoon the next day, I got a call from his mums number “Hello” I answered, “Yoow” He replied, which he always did. This smile just took over my face and I couldn’t control it. I missed his voice more than I thought and for some reason I felt very calm and relaxed. We decided to meet at a local park around the corner to catch up. I called a girlfriend straight away and told her what was happening, I wanted to be sick. “You’ll be fine” she said. “Just go in with a clear mind” It was anything but clear but I went anyway.

I don’t know if it was awkward or not, I often don’t feel awkward in situations unless they are really bizarre but I just wanted him to hug me, which he did… It was a friendly hug though, not an ‘I missed you so much hug’. We sat down at a table and both played it cool for a while. He told me stories of his trip, I kind of didn’t care about what he was telling me but sat there with a smile on my face acting interested. He knew I wasn’t, he’s known me long enough to know that I didn’t care what he was talking about. “You don’t really care do you?” “Nope” I replied. “Sorry” A lot of the rest of the conversation is quite a blur. We literally sat there and talked for over four hours.

We went over a lot of what we have already talked about, that we just needed to be apart, we wanted different things, and different ways of getting them. I wasn’t prepared to live a lifestyle he wanted for us and vice versa. I cried during most of this conversation and he said many times, he doesn’t know what the future holds for either of us, he wants to live this life of travelling and not being tied down to anything, he didn’t want the pressure to be someone who he didn’t want to be. I get it. I understand it. But I still couldn’t accept it. Why was he saying these things? How can he be OK with us not being together anymore? How can he think of all of the memories we have and not feel anything. He asked if I wanted him to come and sit next to me for a hug, I said no. But I so, so, SOOO desperately wanted him to sit down next to me, put his arms around me and just hug me and never let me go. He was my person.

He asked on many occasions did I want to get back together? My heart wanted to scream out YES! But, for some reason it wouldn’t come out of my mouth, I knew what I didn’t want in a relationship and I also knew what I did want. I wanted someone who would care for me in other ways than he did, someone to look after me, someone who would put my needs and wants first on occasions, someone who was willing to make sacrifices for me and unfortunately he wasn’t willing to do that. At that point I started to feel I was thinking more with my head rather than my heart. I could have easily forgotten about that last few months and just said “Yes, let’s get back together” but did I actually want that? I started to question myself. I do love him and I do so badly want to be with him so how come I wouldn’t allow myself to just say yes?

The conversation had to come to an end eventually, I was still crying and in full disbelief that this was happening to us. I truly believed that once he saw me, he would realise that he missed me so much and he was crazy to not want to be with me. I believed that as soon as he hugged me he wouldn’t want to let go, as soon as we spoke he would realise how understanding and patient I am and as soon as I cried he would realise just how much I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. He would come to the realisation how much he hurt me and that he’d want to do anything to fix that.

When we left, he put his hand out for a fist pump. I just looked at him, he giggled and said he didn’t know what to do. I told him “Hug me!!” He did. It was the warmest, heart-felt yet saddest hug we have ever had together. He got in his car, I got in mine and he drove off. I just sat there and absolutely balled my eyes out. I couldn’t believe this was happening to us. I started to hyperventilate because all my emotions got the better of me. A few minutes later, I saw his car come back down the driveway to the park. I immediately stopped and was calm again. “Are you OK?” he said, “Yeah, I’m just trying to make a phone call” My eyes all blood shot and puffy.

That night, he organised for a few of his friends to meet him at the local pub for a few drinks and invited me to tag along. I really wasn’t sure if he wanted me there or not, but he insisted. When we were all together, it was like nothing had ever happened, we all laughed and listened to his stories and got along with no problems at all. I felt like the last nine months didn’t exist and everything was normal.

On the way home I was talking to my girlfriend and told her I was feeling ok with everything. She said the next 12 months will be an absolute rollercoaster, I didn’t quite understand that because I felt like everything has already blown over and we were friends and it was all good.

Little did I know…

There Is No Such Thing As Perfect.

I never really understood the saying My head is saying one thing, but my heart is saying another until now, because with all of my heart I was prepared to stick this out and be with him and give him everything he wanted and to just love him more than ever. But my head was saying that I needed to be brave and leave, I needed to put me first.

I attended his cousin’s wedding without him. It was beautiful, my best friend was also invited so I went along with her family. His parents were there and really happy to see me, we all danced and enjoyed each others company and all in all was a lovely day. I just hated that I was there without him. I loved sharing all those events with him, looking nice and feeling good about myself, he always made me feel like the prettiest girl in the room and even though he was on the other side of the world still managed to tell me “You looked really pretty”.

As the days went on, we still talked but mainly argued. I was pre occupied with helping my best friend plan her wedding, still having some sort of hope that we’d work things out and he’d be home by then and those discussions also turned into arguments almost every time we spoke. I had that much anger inside of me that every time we spoke I felt like I hated him more and more! But, at the same time, I would have done anything in my power get on a plane and be there for him, I wanted to shelter him from all the hurt and pain he was going through, I just wanted him to be OK.

There were countless days that I didn’t want to talk or see anyone. I allowed myself to just sit on the lounge all day and watch movies and cry at the drop of a hat. I had dress fittings to attend with a smile on my face but ache in my heart. Every time I tried on my bridesmaids dress, I just pictured me walking into the church and seeing him there but I quickly removed the thought from my head and remembered what reality I was in. Throughout August we talked a lot and I felt like this was the worlds longest break up, with him only having limited access to the internet it was hard to have a full conversation without being cut off.

For our anniversary in 2012 we booked a hotel for a couple of nights in the city. One night, before we headed out to dinner we had the TV on and the movie The Lost Valentine was playing. I heard the quote “Now you have my heart. Keep it next to yours and bring it back to me. I will always Love You” – Caroline. I wrote it down and kept it in my phone. I sent him the screen shot one day when we were talking online and he replied “I will always love you too. Together, not together, other side of the world or in the same neighbourhood and I’m always here for you too, even if we don’t end up together we will always have something” and to that I replied, “Just find your happiness, that’s all I want for you”. This was my way of saying that I will always love him, he will always have my heart and just because we can’t be together right now, doesn’t mean any of that changes.

Every time we spoke, I always had hope that we would work it out, that he would tell me he’s on his way home to sort out all this shit and we would pick up where we left off and be happier than ever but every time we spoke and it didn’t work out like that I would get even more angry and upset for allowing myself to believe anything would be different. I really believed we were the perfect couple, just not in the perfect situation (I can hear him saying “there is no such thing as perfect”)

Towards the end of August, I really started to panic that he wouldn’t be at my best friends wedding, I wanted him more than ever to be there. Before he left, all I could imagine was being at that wedding with him and enjoying our time together. We fought, a lot, about whether he’d be back for the wedding, I said a lot of nasty hurtful things to him and looking back at these messages, part of me cannot believe I said them, but then the other part of me isn’t sorry for saying them at all. I was hurting, and from where I was standing, he was the one who hurt me. He left, and before he did, made many promises and now he was breaking every single one of them. The wedding was me clutching at straws hoping everything would just fall back in place.

When he told me he wasn’t going to be back for her wedding I was devastated. I was holding onto so much hope that he would make the effort and come home, that he would stop being selfish, and for once put me first. I didn’t expect us to get back together, but for him to just suck it up and be there for me. After all, his whole family would be attending… Again!

One night when I was having a couple of drinks with the bestie and I told her that he wouldn’t be home for the wedding she told me she didn’t think he would but didn’t want to hurt me anymore than I already was. I started to explain to her, that as much as this day was all about her I couldn’t help but imagine how it would be walking into the church with a gorgeous dress on, hair and make up done nicely and him seeing me walk down the aisle. I hoped it would maybe help change his mind a little on marriage or at the very least, us. I tried desperately to hold back my tears but I couldn’t do anything to stop them running down my cheeks. I could see the her eyes start to well up with tears too. She put her hand on my hand and I felt that she was feeling my pain. At this point, I knew there was nothing else I could do to have him home for her wedding and I had to just embrace it for what it was and enjoy every bloody second of it.

The next two months were going to be really busy for me. I had my best friends wedding and all the events that come along with it (Bridal Shower, Hens etc) and the day after her wedding I had another good friends Bridal Shower to start off her wedding celebrations. This all kept me really busy which was great, but I still always had in the back of my mind what my reality was. I still cried almost every single night, every time I thought about anything that happened in the last 10 years I always got tears in my eyes, (even now writing this) especially our Europe trip, which, to me means more than anything in the world because everything about that was magical and to think that the person who I shared all of these amazing things with is no longer part of my life devastated me.

Leading up to the wedding, we went a few weeks without talking. I wanted nothing to do with him at that stage, I could say I hated him, really hated him. I always said to myself I will never regret the last ten years, but always wish that things worked out differently. Her wedding was amazing, she looked absolutely gorgeous and they were so, so, so happy!

The day after her wedding, I had my other girlfriends Bridal Shower and it was go, go, go for the next few weeks. The week after, we had her hens party. It was so nice to get away for a couple of days and relax. She was marrying one of his best mates so I knew he wanted to be home for this wedding (finally)

After partying one night whislt we were away, I woke up to another text.

I’ll be home on the 20th…

I Still Love You.

He was due home around July 5th with his cousins engagement being a few days later. I couldn’t wait to see him and move on with life. One morning, I woke up to the most heart wrenching message (it may seem a little dramatic now, but at the time, I felt like my heart was being pulled out me) He had “missed” his flight, he read the time wrong on the ticket. He was very apologetic and said it was an honest mistake, finishing with an “I love you”. At first I didn’t believe it and had to re read it a couple of times, I saw the sincerity in his message and began to believe it was all real. “K” I replied, “Dont talk to me again until you are standing in front of me”.

I expected him to have booked another ticket straight away to at least be home for another cousin of his wedding (I know, I know! They’re Egyptian, there is a lot of them) two weeks later and I had pressured him into making sure he was home so I didn’t look stupid in front of his family again! Paragraphs and paragraphs of messages were sent backwards and forwards about how disappointed I was in him and how much I hated him for what he was doing to me and that everything was his fault.

Reading back on these messages has been incredibly hard for me, and looking back I kind of see where it all went wrong, but at the same time, I’m not sorry for acting (or overreacting) the way I did. I was filled with so much anger and in a sense I guess it had been building up over a few years. He advised he now didn’t want to come home to ‘face the music’ he couldn’t be the person that we all wanted him to be.

“Your not even trying, I know your not, you are so pathetic” “What exactly are you doing right now? How the fuck are you living? How are you eating? What country are you even in?” I was raging with absolute hatred for him, I was so angry with him, but, was I also angry at myself? I didn’t know, I had a million and one things running through my mind I didn’t know what to think about him, about us or about our future. “I don’t give a fuck what kind of hard time you are going through, you have been going through a hard time for nine years”. The thing with him was, he was always so smart, in nearly every aspect of his life, he knew what he wanted, he was also so driven and was determined to work hard towards his goals but at the same time, he was so lost and half the time he had no idea what he wanted in life. I think it came down to him being split down the middle with either following suit of what everyone else around him was doing and following the ‘norm’ of society just to fit in, or to go against the grain and live his life the way he believed it should be.

He struggled with his for a long time and I know deep down it hurt him more than he ever led on. He was the kindest human being in the world, and carried a lot of pain between trying to please his family, friends and of course me and trying to fulfil his life of things he wanted to accomplish without disappointing any of the people who he cared about most. I knew all of this, I knew the pain he was in and the confusion he was going through but at this point in time, I couldn’t care less. I didn’t care what he was going through, I felt like I had been dealing with it for nearly 10 years and I was over it.

“I cannot stand the thought of you! You have no idea the sleepless nights I’ve had. The anger inside of me makes me physically sick!”

“This isn’t over” he said “Why cant we just go on a break”

“This isn’t even a relationship, I don’t know what it is anymore. I don’t care for you, I don’t even know if I love you, I do know that I can’t even say those words to you”

“If I am at this wedding on my own, I will never forgive you. Ever”

“I cant believe where we are right now, I thought I’d love you forever, I never thought you would do this to me, after everything else you have put me through. I feel like I am in a never-ending bad dream”

“I’m sorry that I’ve hurt you so much, I really am, it was not my intention. You knew I wanted to travel for a while and I don’t know what to say, I’m sorry, I love you” he said. I knew he was sorry, and I knew he had absolutely no intention to purposely hurt me but I was hurt beyond words and I truly believed that if he knew how hurt I was because of him, he would have come home.

“Like I said, I stopped caring a while ago” which wasn’t entirely true. I did care, but I cared too much about him, and not enough about myself which I have learnt the hard way and I am now coming to this realisation.

“It’s hard when we both want such opposite things and neither of us are willing to compromise, you’re always trying to force me to be someone I’m not and I’ve probably done the same to you too”

This is true. And, I hate admitting it. I wont necessarily say that I was always trying to pressure him to be someone he wasn’t, because I LOVED everything about him, I just wished that sometimes he had more stability. I would encourage his beliefs, protests and goals but I also wanted to encourage him to think about and work towards our future, our relationship and our goals as a couple and towards the end of our relationship I started to realise this was never going to happen, he was to head strong in trying to save the world and fight for what was wrong with the world, rather than fight for our future. I always told him, “You can live whatever life you want, as long as you are coming home to me at the end of the day” and I always swore I would stand by that, as long as he was taking care of me and his family and we were a priority in his life then I would always encourage and support him in every other aspect of his life, but I felt I wouldn’t be a priority and I would have to battle the other part of his life for the rest of our relationship.

“I’m getting away from all the drama and noise to try to figure me out like you keep telling me. I’m also getting a chance to live a particular way, in say, a collective house and seeing how much I want something like this to be a part of my life” That was it for me. I was done. Those are the words I didn’t want to hear. I finally came to the realisation that I had lost my battle, I let him slip through my fingers after holding on for so long. He was my person, we all have that person and he was mine and I lost him. I was completely broken.

“Then do it, enjoy your life” What we have/had obviously doesn’t mean enough to you, I don’t want to be apart of that life, I’m done”

“It does mean something to me, we have been together for nearly ten years”

He kept pushing for a break and not necessarily a break up. In hind site it probably wasn’t such a bad idea, but, I don’t like to live with regrets and the unknown will always be there, but where would we be if it was just a break? Maybe still in this same position? Who knows?  I can’t live my life now wondering what would have happened cause that would just be torture.

“We are officially done. You have chosen that life over me. I am over it all. I honestly hope you find whatever it is that you are looking for, and that you are so happy with this life that you chose and I really mean that. I hope you find happiness one day. The past nine years have been absolutely amazing and I wouldn’t change any of it for the world. I will always, always Love You. Always.

“This isn’t over, I love you”

I couldn’t take it anymore, I had been physically sick and cried for hours, my whole body was in pain and I just wanted to sleep. I had decided the next day I would tell my parents and I would also go and see his parents and tell them what has happened.

I was really scared to tell both of our parents. I didn’t want my parents to react in a negative way, being their only daughter they have always done everything in their power to protect me, and feeling that they weren’t able to protect me through all of this would have killed them.

I cried to my mum, which I never do. I sobbed in her arms and just wanted her to take all my pain away. After all, our mums are our super heroes and they can do those things right?! She told me she knew things weren’t okay for a while, she knew something was wrong with the way I had been acting, and here I was thinking I was being so strong and able to cover up my emotions. She told my dad what happened, he did the same and just hugged me. They loved him, and loved that he loved me, but I guess in a sense wish he made some different decisions.

The next day, I was meeting up with a family friend of his who I have become quite close with over the past few years. I mentioned to her what happened and told her that I was going to see his parents that night to explain everything to them. She offered to come with me for support. When we arrived, his mum was so happy to see us. I get along very well with his parents, our families always got long too so for me, I was just breaking up with him, I was breaking up with his parents and family which, over nearly 10 years have become my family.

I was physically shaking when I started to tell her what happened. I had a massive headache from trying to keep my tears from flowing down my cheeks. I saw the smile from her face drop and her heart sink. She asked me to stop and if she could call his dad downstairs. I don’t think I stopped talking for about twenty minutes, I just said everything that was on my mind. I told them how I felt, what had happened between us, how I had been feeling, what we had been saying to each other and I did not hold back. I was very upfront with everything I said to him. I think they were just as devastated as me, they didn’t want to believe it. They love their son more than anything in this world, but they could also see the hurt I was going through and they felt it too.

It was nothing like I expected, we all cried and hugged and cried some more and talked for hours. The last thing I wanted out of all of this was to hurt and disappoint them. After our discussions they understood where I was coming from and were just as heart-broken as I was. They told me they loved me and that nothing will change between them and me. They said they weren’t sad because of him, they were sad because they were losing their daughter.

“I went to see your parents last night, they know whats happened, they just want you home safe” I told him.

“I still love you! I don’t know why you are making this so final and official”…