We kept it quite low-key for a while. I let him be, allowed him to settle back into reality and tried hard myself to keep busy. I didn’t want to suffocate him, I knew how anxious he was about being home and having to face everyone, I didn’t want to be another thing he had to worry about.
Part of me was so happy he was home, I missed him, I missed my person, even though we weren’t together he always made me feel calm and happy and just knowing he was right around the corner made me feel so much better given the circumstances. He has a very calming nature (most of the time) and I felt at ease.
We had our friends wedding the following week and I was quite excited. I was so happy for them and it couldn’t have happened to a happier couple. This time, however, he would actually be there and I think I was quite excited about that too. We were seated next to each other which was fine, I wanted things to be as normal as possible and in saying that, things could have been a lot worse given what happened over the past few months.
I went early with him to the grooms house to help out a little bit and slowly but surely people started to show up, I hadn’t seen a lot of them since the break up and I think they were a little unsure on how to act around us but we were acting so normal, we were even arguing about stupid shit like we would as if we were still together and soon enough everyone else started acting normal around us too. The ceremony was amazing and although I think a few of us were going to pass out from heat exhaustion it was still as beautiful as I imagined. The bridesmaids looked gorgeous and the Bride, absolutely stunning.
After everything started to settle and life started to get back to ‘normal’ I felt myself falling. I started to distance myself from people, friends and family. I found it harder and harder to get out of bed every day. I knew I had to get up to go to work, but as soon as I got home, I would sit on the lounge and spend all day there until I had to go back to work in the afternoon. I found it physically impossible to get out of the house unless I absolutley had to.
I literally cried all the time, and if I wasn’t crying I had tears filling up my eyes. When I was around my brothers or my parents, I always pretended I was ok. I didn’t want them to worry, or think anything was wrong. I spoke to a few close friends but not even they knew how I was really feeling, I didn’t want to keep carrying on about how much pain I was in, how I hated everything about my life and how unhappy I was. Alot of them were in the happiest times of their lives and I tried not to take that away from them.
After a week of not being able to get out of bed, I finally decided to take myself to my family doctor. I told him what had happened and how it was impacting me on a daily basis. I thought if I went to my doctor first, he’d be able to fix it and everything would go away, I wouldn’t need to tell my family how bad I really was. I guess they aren’t stupid though, I knew they knew exactly what was going on but were treading on eggshells around me. After a lengthy conversation with my doctor he advised me I had severe depression and anxiety. How? I thought to myself, sever? I wasn’t feeling THAT bad… was I? I knew that I wasn’t feeling 100% but didn’t think it required medication. I felt I had anxiety, because I now believe I have had it for a long time and just not knew what it was.
I was prescribed antidepressants and anxiety medication, which, to be honest I wasn’t too keen on, I couldn’t understand how a pill was going to make me feel better when this was all in my head. I knew I was over thinking everything and I couldn’t switch my brain off, I knew I was feeling like this because I was only thinking negatively, I thought the whole world was against me and couldn’t stand the thought of being happy.
Once I finished at the doctors and got home, I called my mum straight away, I told her how I had been feeling and whats been happening, she was more than understandable, and I can say that I felt so much better as soon as I told her, like a whole weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Not long after I hung up with her, my dad called, I could hear in his voice he was concerned for me as most parents would be. He told me everything was OK, there was no expectations of anyone, and its ok to feel the way I was feeling.
I was taking the medication for a few weeks, I started to feel slightly better, but I felt like I was just telling myself that because I was taking something for it. I knew deep down this wasn’t fixing my problem and I knew that I couldn’t keep feeling like this as I was a burden to everyone else around me. I decided to go back to the doctor and explain to him how I was still feeling, I didn’t want to be in the medication as I didn’t want to become reliant on it.
I was referred to a psychologist which was quite scary, although I knew that speaking to someone who didn’t know one thing about me and didn’t know one thing about him would do me the world of good. As it was getting close to Christmas, I thought I’d wait till the new year to start fresh and would book an appointment in the new year.
I was dreading Christmas this year, I know that I had previously spent a couple of Christmas’ without him, but this time I really was… without him.