Me Against His World.

Every time we spoke, I kept asking him when he was coming home, I just wanted him here, I was so excited to see him and to start our future, which, if I’m honest, I was already kind of planning in my head but he didn’t need to know that, although, I’m pretty sure he did! I missed him more than I ever thought was possible and so, so much more than any other time he has travelled. He said a few times he wasn’t sure when he was coming home which killed me inside but reminded myself he was happy and enjoying life.

Over a few weeks I started to get a little angry at him, I had so much time on my hands that all I could think about was him and how he just got up and left with no intention to let me know when he would be coming home. How was I ok with this? How does he think this is normal? How can he think I would just sit here and wait for him? Is he even thinking about me or our future whilst over there? So many questions and thoughts continued to circle in my head.

I would bury these feelings, thoughts and emotions. I  always told myself, he would be home soon and everything was going to be fine, it was all in my head and I just had to keep myself busy.

I think my friends were split down the middle, some of them really felt for me, and others thought this was selfish of him. But I knew him, I knew he loved me and wanted to be with me. He just needed this time alone and to be able to travel how he wants and where he wants without me in the back of his mind. Everything was going to be fine and I was counting down to the next time I saw him and was able nestle into his arms where I belonged.

One morning I woke up to a message from him “I want to buy into this restaurant”. This was the first message that I read when I woke up, sort of unpleasant compared to most of the messages I usually get from him. Pure anger took over my body. “He WHAT?! Here I am, waiting patiently for him to come home, so we can finally move on with our lives and start a future together and here he is, not even thinking about our future!!” “Why the hell would he want to buy a restaurant? With what money? Where is he going to live? He knows nothing about running a business!!”

Nothing but anger riddled my body. I had lost all patience with him, but I couldn’t bare to fight with him then and there “Rightio” was my reply. I wanted to say so much more but I honestly could not be bothered. This was just another one of his ‘things I’m going to do’ that he never actually does. But I was still broken inside at the fact that he obviously wasn’t thinking too much about me.

This is how the next six months of absolute hell took over my life.

For the next few days, I was being quite short and blunt with him in my responses. I was furious at that comment and really wanted to have a proper conversation with him, not just over messages. He knew something was up because I would often say ‘luv u’ instead of ‘Love you’ (I hated when he would say luv u cause I felt like its not real, weird I know but it was our thing) so he knew when I would use it, there was something wrong. I told him not to worry and we would have a conversation when he got to Egypt on the phone. He wanted to talk then and there, but I really wasn’t ready and asked him to call me when he got to Egypt.

Looking back at these conversations, I unfortunately see how much of a fucking bitch I was to him when all he wanted to do was talk and I would bite his head off. But at the same time, I don’t blame myself for acting that way, I was literally at boiling point and I couldn’t handle any more of his shit.

I asked if he was thinking about us when he thought about buying this restaurant? Me? Our future? Sometimes, when I think back, I get so angry at myself so jumping down his throat so quickly. We talked about it, he said he would have to move there for a couple of months every year, and then the rest of the year here in Australia but he wasn’t sure and said he still had a lot to think about. “Fine” I told him, “If thats the case then we shouldn’t be together until you figure that part out” I told him that I was happy to travel a little more, but not right now, I wanted to do some things here together first. I told him I had been patient with all of his other travels, and other things he wanted to accomplish in his life before he settled down. I told him I couldn’t wait any longer, “Im sad, upset and unhappy, I don’t want to be unhappy anymore”

He didn’t know what to say. He was leaving for Egypt the next day. I told him I missed him which I did more than anything in this world, but I was all over the place with regards to my feelings.

He arrived in Egypt, I still didn’t want to talk to him, he had sent me a few messages, but I ignored them as much as possible because I knew what was coming and I hated it. But I felt like I was backed into a corner and I was so tired of always fighting for him. It was me up against his big bad world, and I knew I was going to lose.

We fought, and we fought a lot. About everything…

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