Remember how I said something big was coming this year? Well this is not exactly what I had in mind, but I reminded myself that this was going to be his last trip alone and I was super excited and happy for him. He was meeting up with his best friend who was already travelling and I was happy that he was happy. I knew that I had this time to work hard on my diploma and create something that we could both work hard towards when he returned.
The car ride home was horrible. I was sad, but I was also really angry, I don’t know why but I just felt really angry and I took my anger out on everyone around me for the next couple of days. I think I was angry at him, but I was also angry at myself because all I wanted to do was cry and cry but I knew I couldn’t do that around my friends and family. To them it wasn’t a big deal, a lot of them have never had to go through this and I really don’t think they knew how hard it was and after all, its not like it hasn’t happened to me before.
This following year was going to be big. He had just left, my first year of not being in full-time employment, I was studying, my best friend was getting married and much, much more. About a week after he left, I was so motivated about everything! I was going to work hard and finish my diploma, I was going to work hard at losing weight (something I have battled my whole life) I was going to work hard at getting my photography business up and running and I was so determined to be so successful.
I had no choice but to keep on top of everything and continue on with my day to day activities. I spoke to him online as often as possible and he called me as much as he could. When we spoke, I was so happy, I could feel the smile on his face when he would tell me stories. I knew how happy he was, how much he was loving every second of it. After the first few weeks, life started to return to normal and I kept myself busy with nannying, studying, seeing friends and being with family.
His Birthday is at the end of March and as much as I wanted to share it with him, I knew that the next best place for him to be was travelling the world, being in his element and absolutely loving life. By this time I didn’t think I could meet him in Egypt as I had the responsibility looking after the kids I nanny and other commitments. I also had a plan to buy a big, beautiful, expensive computer, something I could call my own, something I had worked hard for and saved a lot of money for. I saw this as an investment to my business and career and as much as I wanted to explore Egypt with him, I felt it was a better decision for the long run.
I was really torn between what decision to make but I thought Egypt will always be there and I can travel anytime I want to. I decided on buying the computer. I think he was disappointed in my decision, as was I because I wanted more than anything to be with him and meet his family. But I knew that in order for me to make something of my career I had to take this step. An Investment.
I continued to work hard on my studies and was passing every assessment I completed. I knew I had it in me and I was learning so much. He was super proud as were my friends and family. The only thing I could do to get my mind of him not being here was keeping busy. My best friend was getting married in October and it was such an exciting time for her and I wanted to be there for her as much as possible. We went to our first dress fitting and on the way he called me, I didn’t want to be that person to bring down the mood, but I just burst into tears the second I heard his voice. I just wanted him here. I knew that as soon as I got off the phone, I would be ok and continue the day as normal, but for those couple of minutes it was hell. My bestie just put her hand on my knee and to me that meant more than anything, she didn’t have to do or say anything to me, but knowing that she was there and that she could feel my hurt meant so much to me.
As the weeks went on, I’d like to say it got easier, but that would be a lie. I told myself I was ok, and I was happy and that was what I was showing all of my friends and family. But I knew deep down, I was miserable, he is my favourite person in the whole wide world, the only one who truly gets me and he wasn’t here.
So… the countdown for his return begins…