Was Love Enough?

I have always been upfront with what I wanted in my life and more so in the last few years. I had my life planned out in my head, I knew what was going to happen and how I would live. The whole travel experience wasn’t planned, but it turned out to be one of the best of my life. I didn’t exactly have every single detail planned to the T, but I knew I would finish school, find a great job, eventually fall in love, get married, have kids and live happily every after. I really didn’t think that was too much to ask for, after all I thought it was quite realistic and ‘normal’.

I hate using the word normal because over nearly ten years, I was slowly taught that there is no such thing has normal but for whatever reason, I was unable to accept any other way of life, I wanted what I wanted. I felt I had given so much of myself and it’s almost like I got fed up with everything overnight. I think there was so much going on in my head that I exploded with frustration.

“Ive given you everything. You have always been my number one, you have always come first in my life. I haven’t in yours and I don’t think I ever will” I blurted out in a message and I truly believed this, and this time I wasn’t scared to say it to him. Everything I ever did I always thought of him, it didn’t matter how big or small it was, I always had him in mind. I don’t think it was the same for him and still to this day I truly believe that. I’m not denying that he loved me, because I know he really loved me, but I just don’t think I was as high a priority as he was for me.

He got angry. Really angry. Obviously he disagreed with what I said. “This has been a two-way relationship, you really think that you are so much better than me and that you’re perfect and I’m the fucked one”. Wrong. He was amazing! Pure sole, kind heart, generous, funny, outgoing, adventurous, sweet. The list literally couldn’t end. He was lost, I didn’t care, I didn’t care about what he had to say about anything else in his life right now, our relationship was on the line. He has been ‘lost’ for ten years, he never knew what he wanted to do with his life, every time he found something, he would lose interest in a few days. I was just so angry that this is what he was saying to me.

I’m not one to judge, but I had some direction, I worked for many years, travelled, and was prepared to work hard on my business and eventually settle down. He was all over the shop, one minute he’d tell me he wanted marriage and kids the next minute he said things like “Marriage is just a piece of paper” This crushed me more than he ever realised, it made me feel completely worthless and for just one second he couldn’t let me have something I had been dreaming about for years.

Marriage to me was more than just the white dress and big party. It was about us committing to each other, our future our life. Yes, of course, I dreamed about the white dress and the day that fairy tales are made out of, but over the years he really grounded me with what a wedding is supposed to be, as ironic as that sounds. He helped me see what it should be about and not what it could be about. I don’t think he believed me very much, he still thought I wanted this big, extravagant over the top thing but after being to a few weddings over time, I wanted nothing like that.

I never questioned how much we loved each other, ever. But was love enough? To simply love someone with everything you have, can this hold everything together? I truly believed that love could conquer everything, especially for us. There isn’t anything that we had been through before that could get between us, why all of a sudden is this making me question all of that?

I started to hit this brick wall with myself. Over thinking absolutely everything in my life. I had so much time on my hands and I spent most of the day on my own, all I could do was think and think and think. Could this be good for me? Who knows, I was never one to enter into such deep though, I was always happy to plot along in life and just go with the flow, I never questioned anything, this is how it has happened all around me and this is how it will happen for me. There is nothing that could come between us. I needed to be patient he was going to come home and we were going to work this all out.

We broke up… for a week. I didn’t tell anyone because I knew that it wasn’t going to follow through, I knew that there is no way in this world that we would let something like this come between us. I asked him to be home for my Birthday and he said he would definitely try. Within a matter of days, we were back to normal, I so desperately wanted to put it all past us and just move on, allow him to be in his element of travelling and enjoy spending this time with his family in Egypt.

Unfortunately he didn’t make it him for my Birthday, he was unable to get a ticket in time, but it was ok, his cousins Engagement party was only a few weeks later and he assured me he has booked his ticket and would be home in time for that. I couldn’t wait, part of me felt really guilty and only wanted him to be so happy, but the other part of me wanted to be selfish and not give in to what I wanted. And, no it wasn’t just about marriage, and I can’t seem to get that out of everyone’s heads! Yes, for a while it was, I mean, what girl doesn’t want to eventually settle down with her partner of nearly 10 years?! It was more about starting to take our future seriously, will we get married? If not, lets move forward already? Buy a property, move overseas? Have a couple of kids? Start a business together? Just SOMETHING. What ever it was going to be, it was going to be ok, he was going to be home soon, and I was going to do my absolute best to be so open-minded and conscious of his needs and wants too.

Leading up to the engagement party I couldn’t control my excitement! He was going to be home soon, things would be back to normal and we were going to move on. It couldn’t come quick enough.

One morning, I work up to a message from him, I was shattered, but I was also upset and angry and I think every single emotion to ever exist engulfed my body in a matter of seconds.

 

It changed everything…

Me Against His World.

Every time we spoke, I kept asking him when he was coming home, I just wanted him here, I was so excited to see him and to start our future, which, if I’m honest, I was already kind of planning in my head but he didn’t need to know that, although, I’m pretty sure he did! I missed him more than I ever thought was possible and so, so much more than any other time he has travelled. He said a few times he wasn’t sure when he was coming home which killed me inside but reminded myself he was happy and enjoying life.

Over a few weeks I started to get a little angry at him, I had so much time on my hands that all I could think about was him and how he just got up and left with no intention to let me know when he would be coming home. How was I ok with this? How does he think this is normal? How can he think I would just sit here and wait for him? Is he even thinking about me or our future whilst over there? So many questions and thoughts continued to circle in my head.

I would bury these feelings, thoughts and emotions. I  always told myself, he would be home soon and everything was going to be fine, it was all in my head and I just had to keep myself busy.

I think my friends were split down the middle, some of them really felt for me, and others thought this was selfish of him. But I knew him, I knew he loved me and wanted to be with me. He just needed this time alone and to be able to travel how he wants and where he wants without me in the back of his mind. Everything was going to be fine and I was counting down to the next time I saw him and was able nestle into his arms where I belonged.

One morning I woke up to a message from him “I want to buy into this restaurant”. This was the first message that I read when I woke up, sort of unpleasant compared to most of the messages I usually get from him. Pure anger took over my body. “He WHAT?! Here I am, waiting patiently for him to come home, so we can finally move on with our lives and start a future together and here he is, not even thinking about our future!!” “Why the hell would he want to buy a restaurant? With what money? Where is he going to live? He knows nothing about running a business!!”

Nothing but anger riddled my body. I had lost all patience with him, but I couldn’t bare to fight with him then and there “Rightio” was my reply. I wanted to say so much more but I honestly could not be bothered. This was just another one of his ‘things I’m going to do’ that he never actually does. But I was still broken inside at the fact that he obviously wasn’t thinking too much about me.

This is how the next six months of absolute hell took over my life.

For the next few days, I was being quite short and blunt with him in my responses. I was furious at that comment and really wanted to have a proper conversation with him, not just over messages. He knew something was up because I would often say ‘luv u’ instead of ‘Love you’ (I hated when he would say luv u cause I felt like its not real, weird I know but it was our thing) so he knew when I would use it, there was something wrong. I told him not to worry and we would have a conversation when he got to Egypt on the phone. He wanted to talk then and there, but I really wasn’t ready and asked him to call me when he got to Egypt.

Looking back at these conversations, I unfortunately see how much of a fucking bitch I was to him when all he wanted to do was talk and I would bite his head off. But at the same time, I don’t blame myself for acting that way, I was literally at boiling point and I couldn’t handle any more of his shit.

I asked if he was thinking about us when he thought about buying this restaurant? Me? Our future? Sometimes, when I think back, I get so angry at myself so jumping down his throat so quickly. We talked about it, he said he would have to move there for a couple of months every year, and then the rest of the year here in Australia but he wasn’t sure and said he still had a lot to think about. “Fine” I told him, “If thats the case then we shouldn’t be together until you figure that part out” I told him that I was happy to travel a little more, but not right now, I wanted to do some things here together first. I told him I had been patient with all of his other travels, and other things he wanted to accomplish in his life before he settled down. I told him I couldn’t wait any longer, “Im sad, upset and unhappy, I don’t want to be unhappy anymore”

He didn’t know what to say. He was leaving for Egypt the next day. I told him I missed him which I did more than anything in this world, but I was all over the place with regards to my feelings.

He arrived in Egypt, I still didn’t want to talk to him, he had sent me a few messages, but I ignored them as much as possible because I knew what was coming and I hated it. But I felt like I was backed into a corner and I was so tired of always fighting for him. It was me up against his big bad world, and I knew I was going to lose.

We fought, and we fought a lot. About everything…

Keep On Keeping On.

Remember how I said something big was coming this year? Well this is not exactly what I had in mind, but I reminded myself that this was going to be his last trip alone and I was super excited and happy for him. He was meeting up with his best friend who was already travelling and I was happy that he was happy. I knew that I had this time to work hard on my diploma and create something that we could both work hard towards when he returned.

The car ride home was horrible. I was sad, but I was also really angry, I don’t know why but I just felt really angry and I took my anger out on everyone around me for the next couple of days. I think I was angry at him, but I was also angry at myself because all I wanted to do was cry and cry but I knew I couldn’t do that around my friends and family. To them it wasn’t a big deal, a lot of them have never had to go through this and I really don’t think they knew how hard it was and after all, its not like it hasn’t happened to me before.

This following year was going to be big. He had just left, my first year of not being in full-time employment, I was studying, my best friend was getting married and much, much more. About a week after he left, I was so motivated about everything! I was going to work hard and finish my diploma, I was going to work hard at losing weight (something I have battled my whole life) I was going to work hard at getting my photography business up and running and I was so determined to be so successful.

I had no choice but to keep on top of everything and continue on with my day to day activities. I spoke to him online as often as possible and he called me as much as he could. When we spoke, I was so happy, I could feel the smile on his face when he would tell me stories. I knew how happy he was, how much he was loving every second of it. After the first few weeks, life started to return to normal and I kept myself busy with nannying, studying, seeing friends and being with family.

His Birthday is at the end of March and as much as I wanted to share it with him, I knew that the next best place for him to be was travelling the world, being in his element and absolutely loving life. By this time I didn’t think I could meet him in Egypt as I had the responsibility looking after the kids I nanny and other commitments. I also had a plan to buy a big, beautiful, expensive computer, something I could call my own, something I had worked hard for and saved a lot of money for. I saw this as an investment to my business and career and as much as I wanted to explore Egypt with him, I felt it was a better decision for the long run.

I was really torn between what decision to make but I thought Egypt will always be there and I can travel anytime I want to. I decided on buying the computer. I think he was disappointed in my decision, as was I because I wanted more than anything to be with him and meet his family. But I knew that in order for me to make something of my career I had to take this step. An Investment.

I continued to work hard on my studies and was passing every assessment I completed. I knew I had it in me and I was learning so much. He was super proud as were my friends and family. The only thing I could do to get my mind of him not being here was keeping busy. My best friend was getting married in October and it was such an exciting time for her and I wanted to be there for her as much as possible. We went to our first dress fitting and on the way he called me, I didn’t want to be that person to bring down the mood, but I just burst into tears the second I heard his voice. I just wanted him here. I knew that as soon as I got off the phone, I would be ok and continue the day as normal, but for those couple of minutes it was hell. My bestie just put her hand on my knee and to me that meant more than anything, she didn’t have to do or say anything to me, but knowing that she was there and that she could feel my hurt meant so much to me.

As the weeks went on, I’d like to say it got easier, but that would be a lie. I told myself I was ok, and I was happy and that was what I was showing all of my friends and family. But I knew deep down, I was miserable, he is my favourite person in the whole wide world, the only one who truly gets me and he wasn’t here.

So… the countdown for his return begins…

It Was Our Thing.

Part of me was happy for him to go because its something that he absolutely loves most in the world. I was excited for him to go on so many adventures, meet new people and just experience life. But the other part of me was upset, angry and frustrated at the thought of him going. I literally felt like I was split down the middle.

We had many conversations just before he left about where our future was going, what I wanted out of my life, him his and ours together. One minute he was adamant that he didn’t want to get married, and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life on the road travelling, never being tied down by a mortgage or a job. Then the next minute, he told me he was saving for a ring and putting money away for a future, but at the same time, saving for his trip.

Everything was going to be fine, he knew this was it, his last ‘solo’ trip where he could go out, have fun, party hard, meet as many new people as he could, stay in places that I would never stay in and just be him and enjoy life. There was talk of me going over to Egypt to meet his family when he was there for his cousin’s wedding in May. I was already saving and as excited as ever! I spent nearly every possible second with him the week leading up to him going, literally every second.

A lot of my friends couldn’t believe that he was going again and a lot of his friends were so envious of his travels. I didn’t want to pretend that I was happy about it, and I had a lot of support from my closest friends. One in particular always said to me “I don’t know how you do it, I could never be OK with that, you are so patient” Patient, yes, I thought to myself but how can you not be OK with it? I could never imagine not ‘letting’ him go. Isn’t that part of being in a relationship? Making sure that your partner is happy? Doing what they love? Supporting them?

Coming up to the last couple of days I started to get really sad. I knew this feeling all too well, and it always hits me with only days leading up to him leaving. I cried ALL the time and if I wasn’t crying, I at least had tears in my eyes trying really hard not to cry. Everything, absolutely everything about him and us I was going to miss. I knew it wasn’t forever and before I knew it, I would be back in his arms where I belong.

The night before he left we went and had a couple of drinks with a few close friends as we have done every other time he has left. I didn’t want to leave his side, I didn’t want to stop holding his hand, or seeing his smile or hearing his laugh. I stuck right by him. When we went back to his house that night he still had to pack all of his clothes. Typical, always leaving this until the very last possible second. I cried pretty much the entire time (and tearing up as I sit and write this) we swapped a couple of items over as we always did, I gave him one of my rings, and he gave me his gold chain that he always wore.

I don’t even think I had opened my eyes the next morning and I was crying already. We only had a couple of hours before we had to leave for the airport and still had what seemed like a million and one things to get done. He said goodbye to his parents and then came and said goodbye to mine and that was it, we were in the car heading to the airport.

I really don’t know how I had any tears left by this stage, but I cried the whole way there. I was just so, so, so sad, I felt like my whole world was leaving me. There was no other way to describe it. Once he was all checked in, we had something to eat and then waited at the gates. Was I still crying? Of course. (Do I actually have tears running down my cheeks right now? Yes!) I sat huddled into his arms whilst he gave me a little pep talk about how amazing I’m going to do in the diploma course and once he gets back, we will get an amazing photography business up and running “You and I” he kept saying. A couple of days before we left, he wrote out a business plan. Something for us to work hard at when he got home, something that we could work on together when we got back and set up out future.

This was it, he had to walk through that hideous departure door. I felt sick to my stomach and for the life of me I couldn’t stop the tears. I was so desperately holding onto those last couple of minutes that we had with each other. We held hands as we walked over to the door, I just didn’t want to let him go.

He hugged me. Tight. Tears rolling down his cheeks.

We had one last kiss. He always kissed me on the lips and then on the forehead… It was our thing.

He hugged me tighter and told me he loved me.

We both turned around and walked opposite ways…