I have always been upfront with what I wanted in my life and more so in the last few years. I had my life planned out in my head, I knew what was going to happen and how I would live. The whole travel experience wasn’t planned, but it turned out to be one of the best of my life. I didn’t exactly have every single detail planned to the T, but I knew I would finish school, find a great job, eventually fall in love, get married, have kids and live happily every after. I really didn’t think that was too much to ask for, after all I thought it was quite realistic and ‘normal’.
I hate using the word normal because over nearly ten years, I was slowly taught that there is no such thing has normal but for whatever reason, I was unable to accept any other way of life, I wanted what I wanted. I felt I had given so much of myself and it’s almost like I got fed up with everything overnight. I think there was so much going on in my head that I exploded with frustration.
“Ive given you everything. You have always been my number one, you have always come first in my life. I haven’t in yours and I don’t think I ever will” I blurted out in a message and I truly believed this, and this time I wasn’t scared to say it to him. Everything I ever did I always thought of him, it didn’t matter how big or small it was, I always had him in mind. I don’t think it was the same for him and still to this day I truly believe that. I’m not denying that he loved me, because I know he really loved me, but I just don’t think I was as high a priority as he was for me.
He got angry. Really angry. Obviously he disagreed with what I said. “This has been a two-way relationship, you really think that you are so much better than me and that you’re perfect and I’m the fucked one”. Wrong. He was amazing! Pure sole, kind heart, generous, funny, outgoing, adventurous, sweet. The list literally couldn’t end. He was lost, I didn’t care, I didn’t care about what he had to say about anything else in his life right now, our relationship was on the line. He has been ‘lost’ for ten years, he never knew what he wanted to do with his life, every time he found something, he would lose interest in a few days. I was just so angry that this is what he was saying to me.
I’m not one to judge, but I had some direction, I worked for many years, travelled, and was prepared to work hard on my business and eventually settle down. He was all over the shop, one minute he’d tell me he wanted marriage and kids the next minute he said things like “Marriage is just a piece of paper” This crushed me more than he ever realised, it made me feel completely worthless and for just one second he couldn’t let me have something I had been dreaming about for years.
Marriage to me was more than just the white dress and big party. It was about us committing to each other, our future our life. Yes, of course, I dreamed about the white dress and the day that fairy tales are made out of, but over the years he really grounded me with what a wedding is supposed to be, as ironic as that sounds. He helped me see what it should be about and not what it could be about. I don’t think he believed me very much, he still thought I wanted this big, extravagant over the top thing but after being to a few weddings over time, I wanted nothing like that.
I never questioned how much we loved each other, ever. But was love enough? To simply love someone with everything you have, can this hold everything together? I truly believed that love could conquer everything, especially for us. There isn’t anything that we had been through before that could get between us, why all of a sudden is this making me question all of that?
I started to hit this brick wall with myself. Over thinking absolutely everything in my life. I had so much time on my hands and I spent most of the day on my own, all I could do was think and think and think. Could this be good for me? Who knows, I was never one to enter into such deep though, I was always happy to plot along in life and just go with the flow, I never questioned anything, this is how it has happened all around me and this is how it will happen for me. There is nothing that could come between us. I needed to be patient he was going to come home and we were going to work this all out.
We broke up… for a week. I didn’t tell anyone because I knew that it wasn’t going to follow through, I knew that there is no way in this world that we would let something like this come between us. I asked him to be home for my Birthday and he said he would definitely try. Within a matter of days, we were back to normal, I so desperately wanted to put it all past us and just move on, allow him to be in his element of travelling and enjoy spending this time with his family in Egypt.
Unfortunately he didn’t make it him for my Birthday, he was unable to get a ticket in time, but it was ok, his cousins Engagement party was only a few weeks later and he assured me he has booked his ticket and would be home in time for that. I couldn’t wait, part of me felt really guilty and only wanted him to be so happy, but the other part of me wanted to be selfish and not give in to what I wanted. And, no it wasn’t just about marriage, and I can’t seem to get that out of everyone’s heads! Yes, for a while it was, I mean, what girl doesn’t want to eventually settle down with her partner of nearly 10 years?! It was more about starting to take our future seriously, will we get married? If not, lets move forward already? Buy a property, move overseas? Have a couple of kids? Start a business together? Just SOMETHING. What ever it was going to be, it was going to be ok, he was going to be home soon, and I was going to do my absolute best to be so open-minded and conscious of his needs and wants too.
Leading up to the engagement party I couldn’t control my excitement! He was going to be home soon, things would be back to normal and we were going to move on. It couldn’t come quick enough.
One morning, I work up to a message from him, I was shattered, but I was also upset and angry and I think every single emotion to ever exist engulfed my body in a matter of seconds.
It changed everything…