I was happy, I was cruising through life. I loved my job, my family, my friends and him. I wasn’t working towards any particular goal, because I never really had any in mind. Yes, eventually I wanted to get married, buy my forever home, have a family and ‘live happily ever after’. That is pretty much all I was working towards. I didn’t have anything planned for me.
I always loved photography, but just thought it’d be something I would do in my spare time, never took it that seriously. For one of my birthdays, I bought myself a really expensive DSLR and fell in love with it. Again, not thinking too much into, I would take it out every now and again and take some photos but that was about it.
I was happy to glide through life, and do everything that society expected me to do. I thought it was normal. I have since, never questioned this so much before in my life.
I really don’t want to harp on about the whole marriage thing cause I feel like people get sick of that, and believe me, my friends and family got sick of hearing me talk about it, but no one got sick of it more than he did. He didn’t really believe in it “Its just a big party” “why would I want to pay for all of these people to party and get drunk” “I would rather travel with the money” “Do you really need a piece of paper to justify our love”. Part of me agreed with him, but a massive part of me wanted what I had dreamed of for so long, after all we had been together since we were 17. Who doesn’t want to marry the guy they fell in love with at that age?
I started to force myself to stop talking about it as much as possible. I snuck in the little jokes and hints here and there “look at this dress” “I’d love to get married here” “I want to have kids before I turn 30” I always thought id be married by 25 or so and have my kids before I turned 30, thats what my parents did and thats what I thought was ‘normal’.
Over the years, I started to feel like I was in the wrong for wanting all those things, that what I wanted wasn’t fair on him. That it was so wrong to believe one day he’d turn around and get down on one knee. “Was I expecting too much?” So again, I just pushed all those ideas away and concentrated on what I knew – sticking to my comfort zone.
I think day to day I was as happy as I could have ever been, yes of course I would have those fights with him, my family and my friends, but that was all stuff we would work out and get over within a matter of days.
Just like my marriage questions, he also had questions “When are we going to travel together?” “Where are we going to go?” “How long are we going to go for?” So like his answers to marriage, I answered “I don’t want to travel” “I don’t want to spend money on something like that” “I want to buy a house first.” Almost like tit for tat and I hated it. I was so sour towards his travelling ideas. But deep down the thought of it was growing on me little by little every day.
This time I was really ready to take a massive step…