I always thought I had my life planned out. You know… finish school, get a job, get a boyfriend, get married, have a family and live happily ever after in suburbia. Well… I got the boyfriend, finished school and found a great job. I thought that everything was going according to ‘my plan’.
Back in school, I’d like to think I was in one of the “popular groups” of girls but I was never the popular girl. I had a lot of friends and I honestly thought I knew who I was and what I wanted in life. I glided through high school with no real problems that I had to face.
In the middle of year 12, I had finally met someone and he was showing interest in me just as much as I was in him. This had never happened to me before. After all, it was ME! I wasn’t the prettiest, skinniest, funniest or smartest. I honestly never imagined that someone would want to show any interest in me. I couldn’t believe that someone thought I was pretty enough to want to go out with. I was in another world when we were together. We found out that we lived that close to each other that we would meet up after school and hang out at our local parks or go for walks. I was falling in LOVE!!! We had met at the Easter Show through a few mutual friends and the rest is pretty much history. For the next (almost) 10 years my life was running on track with some small hiccups along the way, but nothing I couldn’t handle.
I got a job straight out of high school in a major finance institution and figured this is where I’d be for the rest of my life. I was comfortable. He was studying Law and we were happy. I think now that I look back I always mistook the feeling of happiness for the feeling of being content. I didn’t like change and hated stepping out of my comfort zone. Again, pushing these feelings of uncertainty away and telling myself I was OK and this is the way things were supposed to be.
For nearly seven years I worked in an office, doing the same thing every day. Slowly climbing the corporate ladder with a few promotions in my pocket. I was a really hard worker and actually enjoyed my job. He, on the other hand, couldn’t sit still. I started to take note that maybe my life wouldn’t turn out the way I always thought it would. There were cracks that were starting to show, but I quickly started to cover them up with love and encouragement and “If your happy I’m happy” comments. I began to push my concerns out of the way. He loved to travel, and did so many times, sometimes for up to three to four months at a time. There were many Christmas’ and New Years spent without him, which hurt more than I led on. But I kept the smile on my face and pretended I was OK, but deep down I was in pain. I would have done anything to share that New Years Kiss.
Fast forward a few years and many trips overseas later, I began to wonder when I would become “Mrs” and when he would put as much passion into our future as he did his travels and vision for his life. Again, over time, I saw these cracks start to rear their ugly faces but I moved in quickly to seal them up and pretend they didn’t exist.
I continued on with my career and took on every day as I did the last, with ease, in my comfort zone not stepping out of it for anyone. Thinking I was living a ‘normal’ life, soon to find out there was no such thing as normal.
Looking back, and having this explained to me by a few close friends recently, I always thought that I was putting his happiness first because I loved him. It wasn’t because I loved him which I did more than words could explain, It was because I didn’t love myself enough.
Was it time for a change and time for me to step out of my comfort zone?